As a consequence of issues with anxiety, ADHD, and executive dysfunction, I have major, major issues with clutter.  And I don’t mean that there are a few shirts on my floor.  I mean, I have a path to my bed, a half-path to my desk and THAT’S IT.  The entire rest of my bedroom floor space is hip-high piles of clothes and books and other assorted crap.  I mention this because more and more it’s becoming an obstacle to getting ANYTHING done in my life and I just feel so trapped in it that just walking into my bedroom can trigger an anxiety attack on a bad day.  (AND I WONDER WHY I DON’T SLEEP??)

The point is that this came up in therapy the other day and my therapist brought up the idea of hiring someone to help.  Well… two problems.  One: that costs money.  That I don’t have.  Two: I feel like there’s NO ROOM for a second person to even be in there with me, much less working.  😦  And I’m just so fucking embarrassed about the whole thing that I just couldn’t get there.

Anyway, I had a talk with @kingesstropolis earlier tonight and she basically said the same thing and kind of helped me understand how professional organizers work and I’m still not sure but I’m starting to feel this massive pressure like I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING or it won’t get any better and _I_ won’t get any better and I just don’t know what to do about it anymore.

So, I started doing a search for people in my area who do these things.  And every website seemed worse than the next (OMG, one website could have walked straight out of the mid-90s and it was so poorly organized that it did NOT inspire confidence :P) and NO ONE LISTS PRICES.  Which means that it costs A LOT.  Anyway, I finally found one website which (apart from having a photo “galary” which had no actual photos… O_o;;;), was well-organized and yet still personable.  They very explicitly listed their prices (which are still really more than I can afford, but not as bad as some places?).  And on the contact form it offered as one reason to contact them “why you need pro bono services”.  So before I could chicken out, I fed them my whole sob story and asked for the free consultation they offered as part of their usual services and like… even if they could discount the fee it would help?

…of course, now I’m sitting here feeling even more sick to my stomach than I was before just thinking about the mess.  Because I SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS A MONTH AGO WHEN I ACTUALLY HAD TIME.  NOT WHEN SCHOOL AND WORK ARE STARTING UP IN TWO DAYS.  *cries*

But if I didn’t do anything now, I just wasn’t going to end up doing it.  So it’s good that I forced myself to send that form.

It is.

Really.

*curls up in a corner and shakes for a while*

…halp?

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