next up, in food trends that are apparently not satire: why not eat a fucking gelatin jellyfish? it’s new! it’s translucent! it looks like an unused breast implant or something you’d find stranded above the tideline! it has almost zero calories because it contains nothing in the way of flavour or nutritional value, and we think that’s just nifty.
this is some dadaist aspic minimalism bullshit, I swear to allsuffering christ. why not eat some clingwrap while you’re at it? or – let’s go crazy – a slice of fucking cheesecake? ARE THE SHADES OF PEMBERLEY TO BE THUS POLLUTED? DID WE SUFFER AND DIE IN VAIN?
I was gonna say, that’s….that’s not a cake. That’s unflavored jello. Literally vegan gelatin and agar are both gelatin substitutes, their only purpose is to flavorlessly cause liquid to become less liquid. So unless the mineral water is flavored, that is plain jello topped with what amounts to caramelized sugar. (I’m not going to even dignify “roasted soybean flour” with a response.) This is what will appear in the new Lileks Gallery of Regrettable Food in fifty years.
I mean, it’s perfectly edible and all and if you want to eat it you go ahead and bon appetite, but this is not cronut-level territory. I could make that for you in my own kitchen in about 30 minutes and mine would be shaped like a skull because I have more imaginative jello molds. (Technically I could also make you a cronut, but that involves way more time and energy.)