30. things I wish you’d said
31. things you said right before goodbye
He closes the door behind him, and there’s not anything Courfeyrac can do to stop him.
* * *
“This isn’t me.”
He says it so quietly Courfeyrac almost doesn’t catch the words–wouldn’t have heard them at all, if he hadn’t been so intently focused on observing Feuilly, of trying to figure out what it is that’s broken in him and how to fix it. Feuilly knows as much; knows he should be grateful to have someone who cares enough to listen to him like that. But for once in his life, it’s not enough.
“What do you mean?” Courfeyrac asks him.
Feuilly shakes his head. “You didn’t know me before … before all of this. I wasn’t such a wreck, I wasn’t dangerous to the people around me. I was–useful.” Real.
“This fight has changed us all,” Courfeyrac tells him. “I’m very different from how I was before. That doesn’t mean I’m not the same person. You may have changed, Feuilly, but you’re still yourself.”
“Well, then I hate myself,” Feuilly says flatly, and won’t let himself flinch under the sorrow that floods Courfeyrac’s eyes. “I have to get away from here.”
Let me come with you.
“Don’t go,” Courfeyrac pleads. “Not right away. Think it over another few days. Talk it over with Enjolras, with Combeferre. They’ll have better ideas than me, I’m sure. They’ll know what to do.”
A shiver of nausea runs through Feuilly at the thought of Combeferre picking apart his neuroses, of Enjolras knowing just how deep the rot goes in his spirit. Doesn’t Courfeyrac know he’s the only person alive that Feuilly would dare tell even this much?
It’s not Combeferre’s philosophizing or Enjolras’s blinding hope he needs. He knows what he needs, but he doesn’t deserve it. He holds himself back from asking.
“One night?” Courfeyrac begs. “Please, Feuilly.”
It’s okay to be afraid.
Feuilly shakes his head. “Goodbye.”
He closes the door behind him, and Courfeyrac could have stopped him but he didn’t know the right words.
OMG, KAT. 😀 That was EXACTLY AS ANGSTY AS I WAS HOPING FOR AND YOU ARE THE BEST. *_*
(Only, DAMN it, now I want to know more about this au! XD I LOVE THIS. I honestly can’t words very well right now because I’m deep in grading hell, but seriously I LOVE THIS. *_* I hope my capslocky flailing is enough to convey that. ;D)