i’m so tired of the AU where your soulmate’s name is on your wrist. i want my enemy’s name on my wrist. i wanna know who i’m going to have to physically fight eventually. turn on your fucking location

your enemy’s name on one wrist and your soulmate the another. no clue which is which. hope it’s not the same name on both wrists. 




  • “we’re both in this boring as hell class and out of boredom I accidentally stumbled into your thoughts of you thinking up this masterpiece of a story and holy shit is this like a movie”
    • “additionally, wow are you really getting into this sex scene man how do u not have a boner”
  • “I get chronic headaches from everyone’s thoughts being so loud all the time and sometimes I don’t know, I get angry. is yelling to Stewart across the room to “shut up and go get dick if he wants it so bad” over the top? maybe.”
  • “as if it wasn’t bad enough that I constantly worried what people thought of me, I can actually hear what everyone thinks of me and the fact that it’s unedited and 100% legit makes me real sad to hear people think I’m annoying”
    • “although, it’s really reassuring to also hear how much my friends love me and think I’m funny and woah man…those are some pretty…erotic thoughts of me there…”
  • “okay who fucking let out that I can read minds huh? what do you WANT me to get kidnapped and used for evil? cause i swear i will come back for your ass once im super juiced with their evil government serum alright? i will go winter soldier on ur ass dont test me”
    • “although all these lovesick kids offering to pay for my services on their crushes may be worth it. hey I know you, you’re cute. your crush you say? oh they totally don’t like u, nah man, your barking up the wrong tree right there”
  • “hold the fuck up. hold. up. I can read any mind that I can see, anyone and everyone’s, why can’t I read yours? and why the hell are you smirking at me like that U LIL SHIT THIS MAKES NO DAMN SENSE WHO ARE YOU”
  • “I think you’re cute and I know for a FACT you think I’m cute too so why won’t you just admit it? cmon cmon baby don’t play this charade. you know you can’t win at this game ;)”
  • “as it turns out by my super mind reading powers you plan to string me out high and dry until I’m practically begging for a date and u know what. that is so terrible and so demeaning honestly like who does that. who does that. can you please just kiss me already like-”
  • “I know you can read minds and I really like you so I’m constantly filtering my thoughts whenever I’m with you and it’s super hard so quit making fun of how I think about fighting giraffes okay it’s my go-to thought whenever I imagine you shirtless”
  • “you know I can read your thoughts so we have these little one sided conversations in class as I listen to your cute angered rants and I reply with a snarky side eye”
  • “OR we BOTH can read minds and all the while during class we have casual conversations that sometimes turn REALLY FUNNY AND WE BOTH CRACK UP IN DEAD SILENCE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EXAM OH SHIT”
  • “i know its pretty invasive but i honestly tune into your thoughts every day on the way to work like its the morning paper cause really we have so much in common its ridiculous and ur super cute and we like all the same things and ugh pls date me”
    • “and oops one day you thought of something funny and we both laughed simultaneously and now ur weirdly suspicious, as i can tell because i can hear you wondering if i can read your thoughts and now ur testing me and idk if i should play along”

Weird AU Prompts


– “Yeah, your mirror is a doorway
into my dimension and I’ve seen everything. Even that dance part for
one” au

– “Sure, I’m an alien but I don’t
know why you’d think I’d abduct people. But there’s a great eatery
across the galaxy if you want to check it out” au

– “Listen, I am genetically
modified and on the run and you will let me hide in your
house” au

– “I was just taking a walk
through the woods and I didn’t think Fae really existed, and I
really don’t think I’ll accept any food from you” au

– “My dragon is acting sick and
you specialize in dragon illnesses, please take a look at it. Wait,
why are you laughing” au

– “Buddy, we are in the middle of
a zombie apocalypse, I specialize in botany in unfavorable terrain
and I just saw you make a sword out of PVC pipe and string; we’re
definitely teaming up” au

– “As a wielder of dark magic I
definitely plan on taking over the world once I trick you into
releasing me from my prison, but crap, I think I might like you more
than I meant to” au

– “Ok, so you panicked and kissed
the human so he wouldn’t drown, but we can’t keep him and he can’t
leave if he knows about us merpeople, so what are we going to do”

– “Look, I honestly didn’t mean to
run into any awkward werewolves on my hike and why would I tell
anyone about it, what do you mean ‘take me to your leader’ are you
serious. How cliché can you be” au

– “I’m a superhero and you’re the
villain, but I saw you visiting kids at the children’s hospital and
letting them act like they defeated you and now it’s really hard to
punch you in the face” au


Write about two characters arguing over who will sacrifice themself so their friends can be safe. A third character commits the sacrifice while they’re distracted.


So, I know how much everybody loves pretend-dating/pretend-marriage fics, but have you considered ‘pretend NOT to be dating/married’ AUs?

For example:

  • My friend is so determined to fix me up with somebody better than my string of casual coffee date/hookup partners that I didn’t have the heart to tell her, after she set us up for a blind date, that I actually met you six months ago
  • We’re both professors in the same department and it enhances your reputation with the students as a mysterious enigma and my reputation as a stone-cold terror if we pretend to hate each other, plus when we back each other up in departmental meetings everybody’s so surprised they give in right away
  • My parents thought I was working for an insurance company in New York when really I was joining the CIA so I just sort of never mentioned when I met you on an assassination-gone-wrong and now we’ve been married for five years and they still don’t know you exist, this has gotten wildly out of hand and you won’t stop laughing about it
  • All your coworkers know you’re married to a cop but now I’m undercover investigating a string of bank heists and it turns out that your only friend at your shitty new job is dating the head bank robber.
  • We’ve been communicating entirely by email/phone/carrier pigeon/paid messenger for the past year as we work to bring some peace and order to this troubled land, so when I walked into the negotiation room to sit down with the fearsome and terrible politician/businessperson/famed warrior that all my people are so afraid of, I didn’t really expect it to be you.
  • I didn’t think my parents could accept me dating somebody of your gender/race/religion/species, so we’ve been keeping it quiet, but now my mom can’t stop talking about her friend’s next-door neighbor and how perfect they’d be for me and you’ve got some nosy neighbor trying to set you up with their coworker’s kid and how do we tell them we’re engaged without making them think it’s because of their completely uninvited meddling?
  • You’ve got to pretend-date your best friend for a couple of weeks because reasons, and somehow that means we’re passing ourselves off as siblings to explain why we live together but we’ve started giving each other really filthy pre-sex looks behind everyone’s back like a game of chicken and pretty soon somebody is going to start to have serious concerns about our siblinghood.

Pretending-not-to-be-dating AUs: add yours today!

Some of my actual experiences in musicals/plays that might make good AUs



– you’re the lead in literally every production, and I’m just a freshman in ensemble, so why are you winking at me and calling me “bae”? AU

– we’re doing improv and you’re talking about how there’s some birds loose in your school, but nobody is standing up to help you with this scene and you look very awkward, here let me run towards you shouting “WHO LET MY BIRDS OUT?!” AU

– we’re both auditioning for the same role and I know we’re really good friends but I’m going to take you down AU

– you’re a lead and everyone calls you by a different name and you REFUSE TO TELL ME WHAT YOUR NAME IS so I’m just gonna call you “asshole” AU

– hey we’ve never talked before so now we’re playing love interests how about that AU

– hey we’ve been good friends for years so now we’re playing love interests how about that AU

– I play a police officer and at one point I get to arrest and drag your character offstage and I’m having a little too much fun with it AU

– we’re both in the ensemble and get bored while the leads have their scenes, here let’s come up with dramatic backstories for our characters together AU

– these rehearsals are hella long and you always forget to bring food so I’ll share with you, what do you mean my gluten-free cookies taste like cardboard TAKE IT BACK YOU UNGRATEFUL BRAT au

– QUICK I NEED A ROMEO AND I KNOW YOU KNOW THE LINES— oh you thought I was Juliet? Nah man I’m playing Benvolio, that dude is Juliet AU


– I’m seriously starting to think the drama club is a cult, because we’re doing a “pre-show ritual”…hold up it turns out the ritual is just the hokey-pokey AU


– I’m trying to figure out what the plot of this show is and so far all I’ve figured out is that everyone is a sinner AU

– the set for this show is a very big boat but the wood is always creaking and I fear for my life when I’m on the stairs AU

– before we do a show the cast of this small play stands in a circle and passes a baby doll around in complete silence and if you ask anyone about it they’ll say “what baby doll? we don’t have a baby doll.” AU

– you and I both love running around in the hallways in our costumes and freaking out the janitors AU

– everyone’s singing “Gay or European” before a dress rehearsal and you were getting ready but you run in at the very end wearing your fabulous red dress and scream “FINE OKAY IM GAY” can I please give you a hug AU

– you lost part of your costume and the drama teacher will kill you if you don’t find it so I’ll help you out AU

– “Say it. Say those six words and I’m yours.” “I have hot pants for you.” AU

@miraamell relevant?

list of non-coffee shop au’s


  • “hey you’re in that one show?” Actor au
  • “your dog is fine, but here’s my number anyway” veterinarian
  • Teacher au where all their students ship it
  • “I live next door and I heard screaming so I came over
    thinking someone was getting murdered and now we’re both trying to get the spider out of your apartment” au
  • “you live in the apartment above me and everyday I can hear you singing in the shower but you’re really good and it makes my day” au
  • “I caught the garter and you caught the bouquet” au
  • “it’s 3 am and you’re the only person in the bar that knew
    all the lyrics to my favorite song and now we’re doing bad karaoke” au
  • “I opened my car door right as you rode your bike by and I am so sorry” au
  • “hey can I draw you?” au
  • “your music is really loud but oh my god this is my jam” au
  • “we’re both camping out in front of a store to get the newest movie/videogame/whatever” au
  • “I keep calling the IT center because you seem really cute” au
  • “I saw you break that thing by accident but your secret is safe with me” au
  • “I accidentally broke this and now we’re both trying to fix it” au
  • “We’re at comic-con and how the hell is your costume so good???” au
  • “you saw me trying to get my couch up the stairs by myself and were nice enough to help” au
  • “I got in a fight and you took me to the ER but you should see the other guy” au
  • “you tripped and I caught
    you but now it looks like I’m dipping you, how did this even-“ au
  • “you always bring food to lectures and share it with me because you don’t want to be the only person eating” college au
  • “you’re good at this subject, I’m not, I’m good at this subject, you’re not, lets be study buddies” college au
  • “I have a paper due tomorrow and it’s three am, I need all your coffee cause I ran out” college au
  • “my super important papers are in my backpack so I need to commandeer your umbrella please and thank you” college au
  • “you have a pet in your dorm and I have to help you hide it
    from the RA” college au
  • “It’s 2 am and we’re both doing laundry and I can see you checking out my hello kitty pajamas” college au
  • “No, I was not just drawing porn, don’t look at me” au

Things overheard in the music building:




“1/4? Really? Who writes a measure of ¼. WHY would you write a measure of ¼?” 
“Because fuck you that’s why.” 

“I will literally trade you my sandwich for that practice room.” 
“Dude you should eat your lunch.” 
“I won’t be able to eat it if my teacher decapitates me for not practicing JUST TAKE IT.”

“I always wanted to look inside the percussion room. It’s like Narnia, but noisier.” 

“Satan created piccolos to punish the trumpets for their pride.” 

“I’m thinking about dropping music history.” 
“But why, don’t you need that class?”
“Yes but half of it is non-music majors and two people were having a discussion about why there were hashtags at the beginning of the music.”

“So my teacher convinced me to take the History of Rock and Roll over the Summer but it was an online course and he found the webcam filters and inevitably the first unit ended up being taught by a talking dinosaur on my webcam. This man teaches college theory.”

“SHH. Don’t say the theory teacher’s name. He’s like Beetlejuice. If you say it three times he’ll appear behind you and fuck your shit up.”

“I found out Mozart had a butt fetish and I’m never going to be able to stop calling him Mozfart.” 

“If I see a drink within 100 feet of that Steinway I will track you down and beat you with my harpsichord.”  

“Theres no way a tuba can fit in that tiny ass locker.”
“Not with that attitude.”

~somebody accidentally slams the piano keys with the backpack~

“It’s just simple stomps and claps.”
“I’m a SINGER. If I could stomp and clap don’t you think I’d be SOMETHING ELSE?!”

“It’s a simple repetition.”
“You’re a simple repetition.”
“Shut the fuck up.”

Me (drunk in a practice room at 3am because I wanted to see how it felt to play trombone when I can’t feel my face. Also, I’m slamming the piano keys with my forearms): FUCK YOU I’M HENRY COWELL


list of college AUs based on things that have actually happened to me

  • “it’s almost winter and i’m the pizza delivery driver who called you like five minutes
    ago to tell you i’m outside and i’m freezing my ass off here but it turns out that
    you were slow getting outside because you were bringing me hand warmers” au
  • “i’m being forced to go to a poetry reading by this visiting author i’ve never heard of and i’m waiting for it to start when you sit down next to me and i try to make conversation, and yup, you’re the fucking author” au
  • “we’re the only two people in the entire hallway of our dorm who get excited about halloween and one day we end up sitting next to each other in the empty hallway with buckets of candy waiting for trick-or-treaters” au
  • “you’re my professor and you have this really intricate looking tattoo poking out of your shirt but i can’t tell what it is and so after a few weeks it finally drives me insane enough to ask about it and you tell me you’ll explain it at the end of the semester if i get an A” au
  • “our dorms are right next to each other but we barely talk and don’t have much in common except we both have really shitty cars and we always have to ask the other one to jump them.” au
  • “i fucking love fall/halloween and i decorated the front of my dorm but the decorations slowly start disappearing and one day i’m coming back from the bathroom and catch you stealing my miniature pumpkins” au
  • “we both work at this on-campus pizza place and we got stuck working the overnight shift and we start arguing about the best combination of pizza toppings but we can’t decide so we each make our own really weird pizzas and have the drunk kids who come in vote on the best ones.” au