The storm is coming, the storm is coming in
when obi wan tells anakin ‘i loved you’ its delivered not in anger but…in sorrow. this is obi wan. master jedi. paragon of the jedi code. and he’s telling anakin a secret. i loved you. i failed. i couldnt follow the rules either. i care too much about you. i loved you. i loved everything. all our time together. i said don’t get attached. don’t fall in love. jedis don’t need them. jedis are outside of emotion. but you. oh you. you, i loved. i loved you so much. so much so that even when you became a sith, i couldn’t kill you. so much so that even when you told me you hated me, i still loved you. so much so that i cared about you so deeply, so longingly, that i dedicated the rest of my life to watching over your son. that i never told him what you became. that i wanted to keep the memory of you as the powerful, strong, jedi, the one your son believed, true. i loved you.
My first reaction to this was pretty much to scream, “WELL, GOODBYE” because, holy shit, canon confirmation that Obi-Wan would leave the Jedi Order for Anakin, I’m going to revel in these feelings about my ship, go on without me.
But even beyond that I think it’s really spot-on characterization because Obi-Wan really and truly fully dedicated himself to Anakin, by this point he is 100% going to devote his life to guiding Anakin, wherever that takes him. He would never force Anakin into a choice that wasn’t truly his own, he thinks Anakin belongs with the Jedi (he’s too young, he’s not ready, being part of the Jedi means being part of something bigger/stronger–in other words, Anakin needs that structure in his life), but if Anakin truly wants to go, then Obi-Wan will go with him.
At the same time, one of the central points about Obi-Wan’s character is that one of his greatest flaws (if you want to call it that) is the same as Anakin’s: attachment.
Yoda began to pace the small chamber, the tapping of his gimer stick loud in its silence. "Know do you, Obi-Wan, why reluctant I was for Skywalker to become your apprentice?“
he know? Not for certain. And once he and Qui-Gon had prevailed over
the Council, and Anakin had been made his Padawan, Yoda’s objections had
no longer mattered.
“Ah … no, Master,” he said cautiously.Yoda
flicked him a skeptical glance.
“Hmmm. Then tell you I will. Reluctant I
was because the same flaw you share, Obi-Wan. The flaw of attachment.”
–Wild Space, by Karen Miller
The above moment is about Obi-Wan’s dedication to his vow to see Anakin trained, but that moment doesn’t exist in a vacuum, it exists alongside Obi-Wan’s tendency to become attached to that which he loves–and loves Anakin he does. (Revenge of the Sith, Obi-Wan directly tells Anakin that he loved him.)
This is why I say that Anakin Skywalker is the great love of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s life. It doesn’t matter if I mean it romantically or platonically or in a more familial sense, because he’s attached to Anakin, he loves Anakin, he’s chosen to dedicate his life to Anakin, he would leave the Jedi Order for Anakin, he spends the last 20 years of his life watching over Anakin’s child.
He’s not the only person Obi-Wan has loved, there have been many, in various forms. Qui-Gon Jinn, Siri Tachi, Satine Kryze, the Jedi Order as a whole. But his dedication to and love for Anakin are greater than all of them.
consider this: Obi Wan’s been in love with Anakin for years, hopelessly pining. he’s fought side by side with him throughout the clone wars, they’ve saved each other countless times, and, in his eyes, they have an unshakeable bond. they’re each other’s closest friends. he sees Anakin struggling, and sees his anger and sadness, but when he reaches out he gets pushed away. Anakin goes to the chancellor instead of Obi Wan, and it hurts, but he understands: Obi Wan is a jedi, after all, and Anakin is angry with the council. Anakin slips farther and farther from him, and obi wan can’t be there for him, even though he wants to be, too wrapped up in the war.
then, his troops turn against him, try to kill him. he survives, and his first thought is Anakin: if the clones are turning against the jedi, then he must be in danger. Anakin’s alive thank god, but Obi Wan then has to watch as the man he loves casts aside the jedi order (and therefore him) and falls to the dark side. then, he watches as Anakin kills defenseless younglings. he’s anguished and horrified: the man he loved is gone forever. he goes to Padme, because he’s desperate to find Anakin, and that’s when his heart is truly and utterly broken beyond repair. this man he loved, the man he’d always loved, had never been his at all, and never could have been.
“anakin is the father, isn’t he?”
obi: ur my brother i loved you
anakin: I hate u *trips* *hundreds of photos of obi-wan spill out of jacket* the fuckc??? these come from??? they arent mine???? *gathering them up frantically sweating* LOOK im jsut *thousands of photos of obi-wan scatter across the floor* SHIT Im hOlding thM for A friend JUTS LIST eN
27. Things you said through a closed door
There’s no sound but the shuffling of his feet on the uneven wood floor of the hallway. He tries again.
“Courfeyrac, come on. I didn’t mean it.” And then, because if he can’t be charming and he can’t be good with people and he can’t be naturally kind, at least he can be honest, he adds, “That way.”
“You meant it.” Courfeyrac’s voice is stretched thin and uneven.
“I didn’t mean your family. Courfeyrac.”
“Combeferre, go away. I don’t want you here right now.”
Combeferre has never been able to read people well, but even he knows that this is Courfeyrac’s serious voice. And yet. He can’t bear to walk away, to leave things be when they are so terribly Wrong. Not when it’s Courfeyrac on the other side of that door. “I’m sorry,” he tries. “It was rude and unthinking of me. I didn’t–I’m not like you, Courf, I’m not good with people.”
The door is wrenched open, and Courfeyrac is there. His eyes are wet but Combeferre knows he’s not really crying–he’s just angry. (He knows him that well, God, he knows him so well, how is it that there is one person in the whole world who he actually gets and he’s still managed to hurt him?)
“I’ve heard that–that cowardly excuse from you too many times,” Courfeyrac snaps. “It’s not good enough, Combeferre. There’s a difference between being awkward, and being cruel, and you like to pretend you don’t see it.”
Combeferre ducks his head, heat rising to his cheeks. Courfeyrac runs on, flinging out the words with frighteningly precise ennunciation, even as his tongue’s going a mile a minute. “It doesn’t take any kind of social acumen to recognize when something you want to say might hurt someone–it just takes a little bit of logic and enough caring to actually stop and think about the facts.”
Unspoken: Combeferre literally has a master’s degree in logic. Combeferre is a slave to logic. Combeferre is the one who is constantly pleading with Enjolras and Courfeyrac to stop and think about the facts.
Unspoken: Combeferre doesn’t care about Courfeyrac.
It’s not true, Combeferre’s brain protests–and yet it’s where all the facts are pointing. Given what’s gone down this evening, the logical conclusion is that Combeferre is a selfish bastard who likes people only for how they benefit him and doesn’t actually give a shit about Courfeyrac’s feelings.
And Combeferre is a slave to logic.
He turns away, and the door slams behind him and he can still hear Courfeyrac’s restless pacing around the room. And he knows Courfeyrac well enough to know to text Joly with the suggestion he and Bossuet drop by to channel Courfeyrac’s angry energy into something less destructive than what he’ll come up with on his own. He’s sent the text and received an affirmative reply (bless Joly, he doesn’t ask what happened), and has already let himself out of the apartment before he realizes that he’s once again proved that he knows Courfeyrac so well.
He really has no excuse.
As he turns up his collar against the cold, spitting rain that feels more like November than April, it occurs to him that he might also be being a little overdramatic, about the whole thing. He said something shitty; now, twenty minutes later, he’s come to the conclusion that he’s an inhuman wretch with a rotted-out soul who’s probably going to die alone and deserve it. It pains him to realize that that part of his personality is a fairly recent grafting, courtesy of Courfeyrac.
Pride and sadness flooded Qui-Gon as he pictured Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. He looked forward to the day that the two of them would work side by side as Jedi Knights, but with this thought no image came. Qui-Gon’s chest tightened. He was so proud of Obi-Wan’s path, of his achievements. Why couldn’t he see him as a Knight? Perhaps I do not want to see the boy grow up, he thought.
I love how everyone who tags this is always like #OMG WHEN HE TOUCHES OBI-WAN’S FACE OH NOOOOO (it’s okay, me too guys, me too…X)
More seriously, though – seeing this pop up on my dash again made me realize something that I’ve never really articulated before: that as far as I’m concerned, this little editorial/directorial/acting decision was the most important thing TPM ever did to characterize Qui-Gon. My whole interpretation of him as a character was defined by the half-second where he reaches up to touch his student’s face.
It seems silly, maybe, but I just see it as an example of how a tiny, seemingly insignificant thing can change the whole tenor of a scene, flip the scene’s meaning completely. Whenever I imagine this scene without that gesture, I know without a doubt that the omission of that simple, single touch would have changed my entire opinion of Qui-Gon’s character. Because even I have to admit, without that touch, this scene really does play like ‘dang, this guy really is oblivious and kind of terrible and wow really? really, you’re gonna use your last moments on earth for this, to ask your Padawan to basically give up his whole life for a project you were championing? ok then, wow…"
But. The way it was actually filmed, it’s not that. It’s not like that. The inclusion of one tiny, fleeting gesture turns this scene into something else, into something that isn’t about manipulation or insensitivity – into something that is about the wrenching conflict of duty and love; where duty is the cold reality that there is no time, that the Force is ringing everywhere with train the boy, a resounding call, louder than a bomb, and Qui-Gon is the only one listening, the one who has to see it done. The Force is howling YOU MUST, and so he must, he has to use this time this way – but Qui-Gon is still a rebel, and that small gesture, those fingers brushing against Obi-Wan’s face – that gesture is Qui-Gon’s last, wistful protest. Yes, he submits, yes, he concedes; yes, he will use his last moments to place a lifelong burden onto his Padawan’s already bowed and stricken shoulders, but not without this, not without this one connection, not without this brief touch, not without one aching moment to linger over all the things he will never get to see, on everything bright and beaming he knows Obi-Wan is going to become, on every brilliant and beautiful thing he knows Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi is going to accomplish. Even as unforgiving Duty tightens its grip, and Qui-Gon does what is required of him – still all he has is love, is regret, is oh, my child, is every single thing that Duty has mandated he not be able to say. Duty binds his tongue and it doesn’t matter – the words say anakin, but the gesture says obi-wan, says child of mine, says pride and wonder and longing and love and oh my god if you think I will ever be okay with this moment then you have been sadly misled.
I need someone to talk to me about Courfeyrac and Marius’s roommates hijinks because i’m currently avoiding responsibilities. Please?
How does Marius deal with the fact Combeferre often comes to see Courfeyrac? Does Marius carefully join political conversations if like, Feuilly, or Enjolras, or Jehan, or Bossuet are there? Does Courfeyrac spend a lot of time reminding Bossuet and Joly that no, Marius has left no clue as to where he disappears sometimes and no, you can’t go through his stuff, come on guys? Do they sleep in the same bed in winter? Do they share when another friend comes knocking at Courfeyrac’s door at two am? Who cooks? Does Marius work on translations on sundays evenings while Courfeyrac reads and they’re both muttering, one in German because that text is so illogical, one in French because that text is SO WRONG? Is Marius an expert in handling Courfeyrac’s angry fits? Is Courfeyrac fluent in Marius’s talk and behaviour? Does Marius bring Courfeyrac to the theater when he’s happy because that’s what Courfeyrac often does with him when he’s happy? Do they cuddle????
((do they kISS))
What are your opinions, people?
Imagine them picking up each other’s body language and expressions!
The other amis often leaving messages for Courfeyrac with Marius, but Marius has a hard time with names, no matter how often Courfeyrac introduces them, so Marius describes them in often silly ways – “The tall dark one with the most horrible hand writing, the one who looks like a school master.” “That’s Combeferre, Marius, you know him.” “Yeah, that’s what I was saying, the school master. He dropped this bunch of papers for you. I didn’t look, but I think it’s your arithmetic assignment.”
Courfeyrac starts making twice as much coffee at home, every time, because chaces are Marius is sitting in a corner working on his translations.
they definitely cuddle and kiss
Oh my GOSH, yes. I am so here for talk of Marius and Courfeyrac as
roommates (AND PERHAPS MORE…?? ^______^) and how baffled Marius is by
this ginormous circle of friends that Courfeyrac has. Because he’s had
what? A sum total of three people, maybe four, in his life before he
meets Courfeyrac? And then in sweeps Courfeyrac and Bossuet with ALL
THESE OTHER PEOPLE ATTACHED and it’s no wonder Marius can’t keep them
all straight! But Courfeyrac is the first real friend he’s ever had and
has done so much for him that Marius just absolutely most of all does
NOT want to let him down, even in this small way, even if he’s borderline terrified of all those people (and certain of them in particular! O_o;;;).
Courfeyrac, who people are drawn to like they would be to a fire in the
dead of winter, and has thus always been surrounded by friends and
acquaintances, just doesn’t get that. He doesn’t understand that people
can be so confusing and so intimidating and why someone might not want
to hang out ten other people at the same time for fear of getting
overwhelmed. But he sees that that it’s true for Marius, even if he
doesn’t understand why. And Marius has come to mean so much to him in
so short a time (because, let’s face it, when Courfeyrac gives his heart
to something or someone, he does it COMPLETELY–there are no half-assed
commitments coming from Courfeyrac), and, above all, he wants Marius to
be happy and to feel safe and loved. So, even though it’s by far the
standard for Les Amis to pile in to Courfeyrac’s rooms in threes and
fours (or as many can reasonably fit), Courfeyrac does his best to
curtail it a little, to make sure that there are some times of the day,
or even some whole days, that it’s just he and Marius, to make sure that
their rooms are a safe space that Marius can come back to when he needs
And Marius understands better than most of Courfeyrac’s
friends what it’s like when your emotions spiral out of your control.
He understands what it’s like when the feeling is just so damned BIG
that there’s no room for anything else. There’s no calming it down,
there’s no rationalizing it away, there’s just FEELING. The only
difference being that for Marius, the emotion that most often runs out
of his control is fear, while for Courfeyrac it’s anger. Still, Marius
GETS IT. So when Courfeyrac gets inflamed about whatever injustice has
caught his attention, Marius just rolls with it, lets himself be used to
bounce that anger off of without adding fuel to it, just a reflection
of solidarity until the edge has worn off and Courfeyrac can calm down.
And Courfeyrac has never had that before.
Just… give me ALL THE
STORIES about how Marius and Courfeyrac are such absolute polar
opposites and how they use that to support each other and take care of
each other. PLEASE. *_*
I looove h/c you know I do. 😉
“No..!” Courfeyrac whined through his painfully rough throat, watching from the couch as Combeferre began unbuttoning his coat. “No. You’re not staying. Go, please. Pretty please?”
Combeferre stared down at him, unimpressed.
“I am staying, though. I’m going to take care of you,” he said it like he said everything else; as if it was fact, pure and simple fact, and he was slightly shocked, if not offended, that Courfeyrac would even doubt it.
Courfeyrac shook his head as much as his sore muscles and his position, lying on his side, would allow. It hurt, and he felt sick. He could breathe easier now, but his limbs felt like lead and his heart like a heavy, ugly stone between his ribs. He knew it would feel this way for at least a couple of days, days he’d rather spend sleeping, hiding from the world, pretending he didn’t have to exist. He didn’t feel like arguing. He especially didn’t feel like arguing with Combeferre.
“You’ve been looking forward to this for weeks,” Courfeyrac murmured, trying to will his eyes dry so he could meet his friend’s gaze. “Go and enjoy it. Please. For me?”
His begging – his sad, pathetic begging – had no effect.
“I’d rather spend the night with you,” Combeferre said, voice soft and steady and utterly devoid of bitterness.
To be honest, Courfeyrac didn’t want to be alone either. it was a miracle Combeferre had decided to drop by before going to his show, because Courfeyrac didn’t think he had the energy to text – much less call – anyone else. But still. He couldn’t reconciliate keeping his friend from his plans, not at the last minute like this, not for something as useless and pathetic-
“You shouldn’t,” he laughed desperately, trying to sound a least close to normal. It didn’t work; a tear escaped from behind his eye and ran down his cheek, and his voice broke. He closed his eyes, unable to bear the way he knew Combeferre would look at him. “I’m no fun at all like this.”
He felt the cushion of the couch dip as Combeferre sat down next to him. Good, Courfeyrac thought. Maybe the cushion would keep dipping and dipping and swallow him whole until he could feel nothing and be nothing-
Warm, dry fingers started threading through his hair, gently messaging his scalp.
“I don’t care,” Combeferre’s tone was as steady and no-nonsense as ever and Courfeyrac felt himself tear up again. “Courfeyrac. I really don’t care. I’m not your friend because you’re fun. Which you are, of course. But you being fun is not a condition for my friendship. It’s not why I love you. It’s not why we all love you.”
When Courfeyrac failed to respond after a moment, he continued, still running his long fingers through the dark curls.
“We love you because you’re you, Courfeyrac. You, as a person. Because you’re generous, and kind, and warm. Because you’re impulsive and stubborn, because you give us everything to make sure we’re happy, even when you aren’t happy yourself,” he reached down to kiss Courfeyrac’s cheek. “We love you for who you are, everything, good and bad. Alright? So I can leave you be tonight, if you’d rather be alone. But a night spent with you, especially when you need it, is never wasted. You’re never a waste of time. Never.”
“Combeferre,” Courfeyrac was crying in earnest now, hiding his face against Combeferre’s leg. “Thank you.”
“Do you want me to stay?” Courfeyrac could feel Combeferre’s smile, the quiet warmth radiating off it.
“Yeah. Yeah, please.”
“Good,” Combeferre squeezed his shoulder. “We can order something to eat then we can watch a DVD, would you like that?”
“I’d love that.”
EEEEEEEEEEEP. LOOK WHAT VE WROTE FOR ME. LOOK AT IT. 😀 TT^TT 😀 TT^TT 😀
This is so perfect and it’s exactly what I was looking for and you are the BEST. ^____________^ That is so nice of Combeferre to stay and so perfectly Courfeyrac to try to get him to leave anyway. And just… OH COURFEYRAC. TT^TT Always thinking of everyone else before himself and I CAN’T.
This is lovely and I wish I was more coherent but I LIKE THIS VERY MUCH, THANK YOU. ^_____________^