The storm is coming, the storm is coming in
when obi wan tells anakin ‘i loved you’ its delivered not in anger but…in sorrow. this is obi wan. master jedi. paragon of the jedi code. and he’s telling anakin a secret. i loved you. i failed. i couldnt follow the rules either. i care too much about you. i loved you. i loved everything. all our time together. i said don’t get attached. don’t fall in love. jedis don’t need them. jedis are outside of emotion. but you. oh you. you, i loved. i loved you so much. so much so that even when you became a sith, i couldn’t kill you. so much so that even when you told me you hated me, i still loved you. so much so that i cared about you so deeply, so longingly, that i dedicated the rest of my life to watching over your son. that i never told him what you became. that i wanted to keep the memory of you as the powerful, strong, jedi, the one your son believed, true. i loved you.
My first reaction to this was pretty much to scream, “WELL, GOODBYE” because, holy shit, canon confirmation that Obi-Wan would leave the Jedi Order for Anakin, I’m going to revel in these feelings about my ship, go on without me.
But even beyond that I think it’s really spot-on characterization because Obi-Wan really and truly fully dedicated himself to Anakin, by this point he is 100% going to devote his life to guiding Anakin, wherever that takes him. He would never force Anakin into a choice that wasn’t truly his own, he thinks Anakin belongs with the Jedi (he’s too young, he’s not ready, being part of the Jedi means being part of something bigger/stronger–in other words, Anakin needs that structure in his life), but if Anakin truly wants to go, then Obi-Wan will go with him.
At the same time, one of the central points about Obi-Wan’s character is that one of his greatest flaws (if you want to call it that) is the same as Anakin’s: attachment.
Yoda began to pace the small chamber, the tapping of his gimer stick loud in its silence. "Know do you, Obi-Wan, why reluctant I was for Skywalker to become your apprentice?“
he know? Not for certain. And once he and Qui-Gon had prevailed over
the Council, and Anakin had been made his Padawan, Yoda’s objections had
no longer mattered.
“Ah … no, Master,” he said cautiously.Yoda
flicked him a skeptical glance.
“Hmmm. Then tell you I will. Reluctant I
was because the same flaw you share, Obi-Wan. The flaw of attachment.”
–Wild Space, by Karen Miller
The above moment is about Obi-Wan’s dedication to his vow to see Anakin trained, but that moment doesn’t exist in a vacuum, it exists alongside Obi-Wan’s tendency to become attached to that which he loves–and loves Anakin he does. (Revenge of the Sith, Obi-Wan directly tells Anakin that he loved him.)
This is why I say that Anakin Skywalker is the great love of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s life. It doesn’t matter if I mean it romantically or platonically or in a more familial sense, because he’s attached to Anakin, he loves Anakin, he’s chosen to dedicate his life to Anakin, he would leave the Jedi Order for Anakin, he spends the last 20 years of his life watching over Anakin’s child.
He’s not the only person Obi-Wan has loved, there have been many, in various forms. Qui-Gon Jinn, Siri Tachi, Satine Kryze, the Jedi Order as a whole. But his dedication to and love for Anakin are greater than all of them.
consider this: Obi Wan’s been in love with Anakin for years, hopelessly pining. he’s fought side by side with him throughout the clone wars, they’ve saved each other countless times, and, in his eyes, they have an unshakeable bond. they’re each other’s closest friends. he sees Anakin struggling, and sees his anger and sadness, but when he reaches out he gets pushed away. Anakin goes to the chancellor instead of Obi Wan, and it hurts, but he understands: Obi Wan is a jedi, after all, and Anakin is angry with the council. Anakin slips farther and farther from him, and obi wan can’t be there for him, even though he wants to be, too wrapped up in the war.
then, his troops turn against him, try to kill him. he survives, and his first thought is Anakin: if the clones are turning against the jedi, then he must be in danger. Anakin’s alive thank god, but Obi Wan then has to watch as the man he loves casts aside the jedi order (and therefore him) and falls to the dark side. then, he watches as Anakin kills defenseless younglings. he’s anguished and horrified: the man he loved is gone forever. he goes to Padme, because he’s desperate to find Anakin, and that’s when his heart is truly and utterly broken beyond repair. this man he loved, the man he’d always loved, had never been his at all, and never could have been.
“anakin is the father, isn’t he?”
obi: ur my brother i loved you
anakin: I hate u *trips* *hundreds of photos of obi-wan spill out of jacket* the fuckc??? these come from??? they arent mine???? *gathering them up frantically sweating* LOOK im jsut *thousands of photos of obi-wan scatter across the floor* SHIT Im hOlding thM for A friend JUTS LIST eN
27. Things you said through a closed door
There’s no sound but the shuffling of his feet on the uneven wood floor of the hallway. He tries again.
“Courfeyrac, come on. I didn’t mean it.” And then, because if he can’t be charming and he can’t be good with people and he can’t be naturally kind, at least he can be honest, he adds, “That way.”
“You meant it.” Courfeyrac’s voice is stretched thin and uneven.
“I didn’t mean your family. Courfeyrac.”
“Combeferre, go away. I don’t want you here right now.”
Combeferre has never been able to read people well, but even he knows that this is Courfeyrac’s serious voice. And yet. He can’t bear to walk away, to leave things be when they are so terribly Wrong. Not when it’s Courfeyrac on the other side of that door. “I’m sorry,” he tries. “It was rude and unthinking of me. I didn’t–I’m not like you, Courf, I’m not good with people.”
The door is wrenched open, and Courfeyrac is there. His eyes are wet but Combeferre knows he’s not really crying–he’s just angry. (He knows him that well, God, he knows him so well, how is it that there is one person in the whole world who he actually gets and he’s still managed to hurt him?)
“I’ve heard that–that cowardly excuse from you too many times,” Courfeyrac snaps. “It’s not good enough, Combeferre. There’s a difference between being awkward, and being cruel, and you like to pretend you don’t see it.”
Combeferre ducks his head, heat rising to his cheeks. Courfeyrac runs on, flinging out the words with frighteningly precise ennunciation, even as his tongue’s going a mile a minute. “It doesn’t take any kind of social acumen to recognize when something you want to say might hurt someone–it just takes a little bit of logic and enough caring to actually stop and think about the facts.”
Unspoken: Combeferre literally has a master’s degree in logic. Combeferre is a slave to logic. Combeferre is the one who is constantly pleading with Enjolras and Courfeyrac to stop and think about the facts.
Unspoken: Combeferre doesn’t care about Courfeyrac.
It’s not true, Combeferre’s brain protests–and yet it’s where all the facts are pointing. Given what’s gone down this evening, the logical conclusion is that Combeferre is a selfish bastard who likes people only for how they benefit him and doesn’t actually give a shit about Courfeyrac’s feelings.
And Combeferre is a slave to logic.
He turns away, and the door slams behind him and he can still hear Courfeyrac’s restless pacing around the room. And he knows Courfeyrac well enough to know to text Joly with the suggestion he and Bossuet drop by to channel Courfeyrac’s angry energy into something less destructive than what he’ll come up with on his own. He’s sent the text and received an affirmative reply (bless Joly, he doesn’t ask what happened), and has already let himself out of the apartment before he realizes that he’s once again proved that he knows Courfeyrac so well.
He really has no excuse.
As he turns up his collar against the cold, spitting rain that feels more like November than April, it occurs to him that he might also be being a little overdramatic, about the whole thing. He said something shitty; now, twenty minutes later, he’s come to the conclusion that he’s an inhuman wretch with a rotted-out soul who’s probably going to die alone and deserve it. It pains him to realize that that part of his personality is a fairly recent grafting, courtesy of Courfeyrac.