I am utterly failing even at transcription tonight.  And I just gave my cat the run of the upstairs because he’s been locked in his room away from me all day and the first thing he did was jump up onto the desk from behind me and nearly scatter all my papers everywhere and freak me out and I dumped him right back off the desk, but now my heart is racing and I want to cry because he just wants some love and attention from me after being isolated all day and I SHOULD DO THAT FOR HIM, IT’S NOT HIS FAULT THAT HE’S LONELY, BUT I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO AND I CAN’T DO THIS.  I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH HOURS TO DO THIS AND IT’S ALL MY OWN FAULT AND I JUST WANT TO CURL UP IN A LITTLE BALL OF “NOPE” AND SAY FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE AND–

…i hate myself right now.

Shooting someone starting to seem like a good idea. Contemplating starting with myself. Alternately, curling up in a little ball and screaming and crying until I’m hoarse could be a decent plan.

I am swinging so wildly between “so stressed I want to cry,” “so stressed I can’t breathe,” and “so stressed I don’t give a flying fuck so take this work and shove it up your asses” that I honestly don’t know how I made it home without crashing my car.

…I think I’m gonna go inside and hyperventilate for a while now before I end up not able to get out of my car.


15 facts about people with concealed anxiety



1. They don’t hide their anxiety, they hide their symptoms.
To have concealed anxiety isn’t to deny having it – only to do
everything in your power to ensure other people don’t see you struggle.

2. They have the most anxiety about having anxiety.
Because they are not comfortable letting people see them in the throes
of an irrational panic, the most anxiety-inducing idea is… whether or
not they’ll have anxiety at any given moment in time.

3. They come across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but rarely out.
It is not that they are anti-social, just that they can only take being
around others incrementally (which is mostly normal). Yet, on the
surface, this may come across as confusing.

4. They make situations worse by trying to suppress their feelings about them. They
are extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing them in pain, and
they don’t want to feel pitied or as though they are compromising
anyone’s time. Yet, they make things worse for themselves by
suppressing, as it actually funnels a ton of energy into making the
problem larger and more present than it already was.

5. They are often hyper-aware and highly intuitive. Anxiousness
is an evolutionary function that essentially keeps us alive by making
us aware of our surroundings and other people’s motives. It’s only
uncomfortable when we don’t know how to manage it effectively – the
positive side is that it makes you hyper-conscious of what’s going on
around you.

6. Their deepest triggers are usually social situations. It’s
not that they feel anxious in an airplane, it’s that they feel anxious
in an airplane and are stuck around 50 other people. It’s not that they
will fail a test, but that they will fail a test and everyone in school
will find out and think they are incompetent and their parents will be
disappointed. It’s not that they will lose love, but that they will lose
love and nobody will ever love them again.

7. It is not always just a “panicked feeling” they have to hide.
It can also be a tendency to worry, catastrophizing, etc. The battle is
often (always?) between competing thoughts in their minds.

8. They are deep thinkers, and great problem-solvers.
One of the benefits of anxiety is that it leads you to considering
every worst case scenario, and then subsequently, how to handle or
respond to each.

9. They are almost always “self-regulating” their thoughts.
They’re talking themselves in, out, around, up or down from something
or another very often, and increasingly so in public places.

10. They don’t trust easily, but they will convince you that they do. They want to make the people around them feel loved and accepted as it eases their anxiety in a way.

11. They tend to desire control in other areas of their lives.
They’re over-workers or are manically particular about how they dress
or can’t really seem to let go of relationships if it wasn’t their idea
to end them.

12. They have all-or-nothing personalities, which is what creates the anxiety.
Despite being so extreme, they are highly indecisive. They try to
“figure out” whether or not something is right before they actually try
to do it.

13. They assume they are disliked. While this is often stressful, it often keeps them humble and grounded at the same time.

14. They are very driven (they care about the outcome of things).
They are in equal proportions as in control of their lives as they feel
out of control of their lives – this is because they so frequently try
to compensate for fear of the unknown.

15. They are very smart, but doubt it. A high intelligence is linked to increased anxiety (and being doubtful of one’s mental capacity are linked to both).



I just finished reading Re-Entry and honestly it’s amazing. It’s probably the best Star Wars story I’ve read and you’re an amazing writer. Do you have any idea when then next part will be up?



No idea yet–April has been a weird fuckin’ month guys–but I thought I’d toss up a snippet to prove that yes, there IS a next RE chapter coming down the pile:

Keep reading

#*squealy tea kettle noises*#:D#:D 😀 😀 😀 😀#:DDDD#*flails*#I CANNOT WORDS#I CAN’T#but this is AMAZING#I WAS SO HOPING WE’D GET LEIA’S SIDE OF THIS TOO#*rolls around of the floor making gleeful inarticulate noises*#i’m on my third reread of re entry this year#THIS STORY IS A PROBLEM#IT REALLY IS#i love it so#^_____________^#re entry#have i recced re-entry within the last week?#consider this a rec#^_~#star wars prequels#star wars#leia organa#yoda#star wars fanfic#other people’s fic#fc recs#I LOVE THIS FIC SO MUCH#I REALLY DO#*more flailing* 

These tags, tho.  😀

😀  I’m glad they made you happy!  Because your writing makes ME happy.  *_*  In all seriousness, I think I don’t gush at you nearly as often as I should for how much I love this fic.  At the risk of TMI, I actually have a story to tell about how much I love this fic and how much I appreciate you for writing it…  and since I think you’ll appreciate it, I’ll tell it anyway.  ^_^

This winter I went through one of the worst bouts of extended anxiety I’ve ever experienced.  It was so bad that most days it was all I could do to get from my bed to my recliner and stare at tumblr for the day.  My brain had just kind of shut down on me.  And into the middle of this awful bout of anxiety, my friend @dreamer-wisher-liar came squealing into my inbox about THIS AMAZING STAR WARS FIC THAT I ABSOLUTELY HAD TO READ.  And you have to understand–I was so far gone in that moment that I just kind of went, “…meh.”  I wasn’t interested in reading anything.  But she was so excited and so enthusiastic that I figured… ok, I’d give it a try.

So, I started reading anyway.

8 hours later when my body was screaming at me to go to bed and my brain was screaming at me to read “JUST ONE MORE CHAPTER” and my brain WON… I knew I was hooked.  ;D

I spent basically the next week plowing my way through Re-Entry and Re-Entry: JotW and it was the first time I’d been able to even focus on anything in WEEKS and it felt so good to just unabashedly and unashamedly enjoy something and I couldn’t slow down reading enough to try to muster the mental energy to leave comments (which I felt awful about -.-;;;).  And when I reached the end of the fic, I was just kind of sitting there like… “But… what do I do NOW??”  And the answer was very clearly “Go back to the beginning and start reading again.”  *sheepish grin*

And this is how I’ve ended up rereading Re-Entry three times since January.

My head is in a much better place now, and Re-Entry has become this lovely little mental security blanket that I can wrap around me and disappear into when things get bad and I really ABSOLUTELY CAN’T THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR WRITING IT. 

So.  ^_^  There we go.  Slightly TMI story.  (And hopefully this gushing makes up in part for my lack of commenting up until now and I’ll try to do better about that in the future.  ^_^)

(Side note: I got so attached to Re-entry that I ended up even more tea-addicted than I already was, and ended up making Adagio blends for several Star Wars characters that were maybe more than a little bit influenced by how you write said characters for Re-Entry.  ;D)


something that I feel a lot of neurotypicals don’t understand is that mental illness isn’t logical. “there’s no reason to be stressed, why are you anxious?” I don’t know. “why are you sad if you had a good day?” I don’t know. “why are you so irritable today?” I don’t know. “what are you feeling?” I DON’T KNOW.

Executive dysfunction life hack












Instead of telling yourself, “I should get up,” or “I should do this,”

Ask yourself, “When will I get up?” or “When will I be ready to do this?”

Instead of trying to order yourself to feel the signal to do something, which your brain is manifestly bad at, listen to yourself with compassionate curiosity and be ready to receive the signal to move when it comes.

Things I did not actually realize was an option

What’s amazing is what happens when you do this with children.  I hit on it when working at the foster home, where nearly all our kids were on the autism spectrum, and they weren’t “defiant” around me because I said things like, “How long do you need to stand here before we can move?” and “Come into the kitchen when you’re ready” instead of saying, “Stop staring out the window, let’s go,” or “Come eat dinner,” and interpreting hesitation as refusal to obey.

I have also definitely found that doing the “okay when I finish counting down from twenty is getting up time” has been useful.

Yup, that’s way better for toddlers and younger kids.  It helps when they don’t have the self-awareness, attention span, or concept of the passage of time to estimate when they’ll be ready by themselves.

Oh I meant for me. XD Saying it to myself.

WELL OKAY WHOOPS XD I should not have been overspecific, I was just thinking about teaching this stuff to the parents at my job and your reblog made me immediately think of you with Banana and the kidlets.

Another hack: when you want to get up but are stalled by your brain and frustrated – stop. Breathe. Think about what you want to do once you’re up, without thinking about getting up. Treat it like a fantasy, no pressure, just thinking about something you’d like to do in the future. Instead of thinking “I should get up” over and over, think about having a bagel for breakfast, or getting dressed in your soft green sweater. Imagine yourself doing the thing.

I find that exercise often side-steps the block and the next thing I know I’m out of bed and on my way to doing the other thing I thought about.

Works for other things too, if you’re stuck on one step and having a hard time doing it, think about the step after that. Need to do laundry and you can’t get yourself to gather up your dirty clothes in the hamper? Think instead about carrying the hamper full of dirty clothes to the laundry room. And when you get to that next step, if you get stuck again, think about the step after it – you have a hamper of dirty clothes that needs to be put in the wash, let your subconscious handle the “carry hamper to laundry room” step while you’re thinking about the “putting them in the wash” part.

YMMV of course, and this doesn’t even always work for me (particularly not when I need to do a collection of tasks in no particular order, like packing for a trip… “pack socks, pack underwear, pack toothbrush, pack pants, pack shirts” is the kind of non-linear task list where this trick doesn’t help at all), but it’s something I’ve found helpful often enough.

This is one of the most beautiful threads I’ve seen on Tumblr simply because it deals so compassionately with an issue so many of us have and can barely even articulate to ourselves, let alone to anyone else. ❤

I think I get overwhelmed from the thought of all of the consequent steps, so maybe I’ll do the reverse of the advice above and try to focus on the first one.

@the-rain-monster i was just about to say something similar. that can work too sometimes. instead of going “ugh i need to eat something” for four hours, i try to focus on each step in turn.

and i mean each TINY step. just getting out of my chair has this many steps:

  1. pause music
  2. remove headphones
  3. hang headphones on laptop screen
  4. pick up laptop
  5. leg-bend recliner footrest shut
  6. set laptop aside
  7. stand

and i reckon that’s why i get stuck on it; because i’m trying to treat it as one thing, while executive dysfunction is treating it as seven things, and choking on trying to skip to step seven.

concurrent with this is a method i call ‘junebugging’. which is where i go to the location of the thing i want to do, and just sort of bump around the region like a big stupid beetle until the thing somehow accidentally magically gets done. this is an attempt to leverage ADHD into an advantage; i may not have the executive function to make myself a sandwich on purpose, but if i fidget in the kitchen long enough, some kind of food is going to end up in my mouth eventually. and hell, even if i fail on that front, i will probably have achieved something, even if it’s only pouring all my loose leaf tea into decorative jars.*

@star-anise please may i give you an internet hug *hug!* because god how i wish anyone had known to do that for me when i was a kid. my childhood was one big overload, and like 99% of the huge dramatic meltdowns that made me the scapegoat/laughingstock/target of my entire elementary school were simply due to people not giving me time to process the next step, and interpreting a bluescreen as defiance/insult.

*this happened when i was trying to do dishes actually but the principle is sound

Please reblog if:


•your anxiety has made it difficult for you to voice your opinion

•your anxiety has made it difficult to dress the way you want

•your anxiety has made it difficult to ask for help

•your anxiety has made you constantly worry if you are being annoying and wonder if your friends and family are valid relationships or if they just put up with you because they have to

And please know that you are not fighting this battle alone. You are worth more than your anxiety says. You matter and so does your opinion and your say.
You are awesome