but literally every time I read a description of Feuilly that goes along the line of ‘has big strong muscles because he’s a worker and working makes you buff’, I think of like. all those skinny kids working at Starbucks getting big strong muscles from operating the espresso machines. The cashiers at the grocery stores and their big strong muscles from putting food in bags. The people working in clothing stores and their big strong muscles from folding clothes and giving customers thumbs-up on their outfits. Me, getting big strong muscles from typing all day. even in canon era – painting tiny little fans, what a show of brute strenght.
Ahh, working, always such great muscle-building work-out.
Holy SHIT today was a long day. O_o;;;
it was my first day back at work and at school today. And I managed
not to get ANY of my work done for school that I was supposed to. So
this morning I got it into my head that my professor was going to
UTTERLY HATE ME if I showed up to class without even trying to talk to
her about it first. So, initially I was going to write her an email
asking to meet with her… and got about three words into said email
before bursting into tears. So, that wasn’t so good. 😛 So, I emailed
her about everything instead. This has been one really fucking hard
month and my anxiety has not been kind. So I spilled all of this to her
in one really long email and her response boiled down to:
THAT SUCKS. But your health is more important than anything else, so
we’ll sit down and figure out a way for you to do this. It’s going to
be OK. I got your back.”
And even though I KNEW that was how
she’d respond, I had STILL been expecting the “she’ll hate me” reaction,
so getting that email was somehow a shock? *shakes fist* FUCK YOU,
Anyway, I didn’t get that response until later in the
day, so I went off to work as a bundle of frazzled nerves. UGH. Of
course, the first thing my boss does upon seeing me is squeak and run
out of her office to glom onto me in this huge hug and not let go for a
couple of minutes. (Have I mentioned I love my boss? Because I love my
boss. ^____________^) Anyway, I was super early for my class, so I
hung out in the lab and helped with the orientation for the class before
mine and that was fun.
Then I went off my to my own class
for the little intro before bringing them down for orientation, too.
And that went fine (even though like… 12 people didn’t show. Which is
kind of a lot? O_o;;; But whatever. It was the first day). The best
part though, was that during orientation, my boss was just absolutely
singing my praises to my class every chance she got, even going so far
as to say that not only am I an awesome teacher and a great colleague,
but that she considered me her personal friend outside of work, too, and
CAN I TELL YOU I ALMOST CRIED??? Because (AGAIN, FUCK YOU, ANXIETY),
in spite of PILES OF EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY, I still wasn’t sure she
thought of me as a friend even though I think of her as one? So that
was really, really nice to hear. ^_^
After that I went straight
to school and ran into one of my cohort-mates who ALSO glommed onto me
and wouldn’t let go for like 5 minutes and I just… I DON’T
UNDERSTAND. Like… everyone in my cohort was happy to see me and some
of them were VERY happy to see me and not subtle about showing it and I
honestly have spent most of the past year and a half wondering if any of
them actually even LIKE me? What is WRONG with me? UGH. I know. I
know. It’s all my anxiety speaking, but between my boss and my
cohort-mates and my professor today just left me feeling really, really
shaken? Because objectively, IT IS SO OBVIOUS THAT THEY ALL LIKE ME AND
WANT TO SUPPORT ME AND WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE SEEING THAT???
basically… I think that’s something to hang onto to remember to talk
to my therapist about when she’s back from vacation. -.-;;;
the upside, anxiety aside, today was a pretty good day. And it helped A
LOT to get back into a routine. I LIKE routines. Routines are good.
Routines get me out of my fucking head and ease my anxiety. I need to
try to remember that more often. 😛
Anyway, hopefully the rest of you have been well?