It’s been a really weird week.  I feel like I’m sitting in this oasis of calm that’s entirely deceptive.  I have work to do for my summer class.  I have work to catch up on from previous classes.  I have a syllabus to write for the class I’m teaching this summer.  I have SO MUCH TO DO.

…but I’m just not there.

And part of the reason why has been because this stupid C.aptain A.merica thing bit me in the ass so hard that I haven’t quite recovered from it.  The worst part of it was that I had just hit a point where I couldn’t care anymore.  I knew I should.  I knew it should matter.  But it just DIDN’T.  Because the more I saw people reblogging about how upset they were about H.ydraC.ap, the more _I_ got upset that it was the only instance of antisemitism that I’d seen tumblr, as a whole, get upset about.  And that made me feel isolated and alone and very alienated.  And I honest to fuck had no idea what to do about it.

Then yesterday I started seeing different posts.  I saw posts calling people out on the fact that when it’s their beloved superhero they’re all inflamed and outraged about antisemitism, but otherwise… crickets.  And better than that, these posts were providing resources, alternatives, ways to talk about antisemitism and learn from this to do better.  And something in me woke up.

Donate to the Holocast Memorial instead of buying the comic?  DON’T MIND IF I DO.  Reblog posts about antisemitism and microaggressions against Jews?  ABSOLUTELY.  Share resources for people who want to learn about Judaism?  No problem!  These are things I can do.  I can be proactive.  I can be more involved.  In fact, I can post more about my Judaism, PERIOD.  So, I will.  Maybe not much at first, maybe not always, but I’m going to do more.  I will not be a part of the deafening silence around this topic.

And do you know what happened when I made this decision?  Something else in me woke up, too.  I’ve been falling into a lot of bad habits lately.  Weight gain.  Lack of exercise.  Lack of contact with friends.  I’m not writing.  I’m not reading.  I’m not even doing any crafting.  I’m sure as hell not doing my schoolwork.  And these are long-standing habits that I’ve fallen into over months; years, really.  And they can’t stand.  I won’t let them.  I’m going to reclaim the parts of me that I miss.

I’m going to lose that damned weight so I can enjoy walking on the beach again without pain.  (Lord help me, as much as I hate the new points system, I signed up for WW online for the month to see if I can live with it, because one thing I can’t deny is that their system works for me. *sigh*)  I’m going to go digging through my closet for all the hippie clothes I’ve let fall to the back because I a) gained weight and b) felt so disconnected from that peace and nature-loving part of myself that I couldn’t even wear the clothes I loved.  (And when they don’t fit, I’ll buy new ones. ^_~  No, this has nothing to do with the fact that I have soulflower’s website open in the other browser, why do you ask?)  I’m going to devote time every day to sit down and work – whether that’s on my writing, my schoolwork, or my syllabus, I don’t care.  But every day I’m going to do SOMETHING before I let myself drift off into the neverending land of tumblr.

For the past year, I feel like I’ve been so buried in my own anxiety that I’ve been out of touch with the world.  I feel like I’ve been utterly and completely lost and disengaged from myself and everyone around me.  And I think I needed to sit in this oasis of calm for a while so I could start to see the difference.  I feel like I’ve been asleep.

I’M AWAKE, NOW.

And I’m going to do my best to fucking stay that way.

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