As a consequence of issues with anxiety, ADHD, and executive dysfunction, I have major, major issues with clutter.  And I don’t mean that there are a few shirts on my floor.  I mean, I have a path to my bed, a half-path to my desk and THAT’S IT.  The entire rest of my bedroom floor space is hip-high piles of clothes and books and other assorted crap.  I mention this because more and more it’s becoming an obstacle to getting ANYTHING done in my life and I just feel so trapped in it that just walking into my bedroom can trigger an anxiety attack on a bad day.  (AND I WONDER WHY I DON’T SLEEP??)

The point is that this came up in therapy the other day and my therapist brought up the idea of hiring someone to help.  Well… two problems.  One: that costs money.  That I don’t have.  Two: I feel like there’s NO ROOM for a second person to even be in there with me, much less working.  😦  And I’m just so fucking embarrassed about the whole thing that I just couldn’t get there.

Anyway, I had a talk with @kingesstropolis earlier tonight and she basically said the same thing and kind of helped me understand how professional organizers work and I’m still not sure but I’m starting to feel this massive pressure like I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING or it won’t get any better and _I_ won’t get any better and I just don’t know what to do about it anymore.

So, I started doing a search for people in my area who do these things.  And every website seemed worse than the next (OMG, one website could have walked straight out of the mid-90s and it was so poorly organized that it did NOT inspire confidence :P) and NO ONE LISTS PRICES.  Which means that it costs A LOT.  Anyway, I finally found one website which (apart from having a photo “galary” which had no actual photos… O_o;;;), was well-organized and yet still personable.  They very explicitly listed their prices (which are still really more than I can afford, but not as bad as some places?).  And on the contact form it offered as one reason to contact them “why you need pro bono services”.  So before I could chicken out, I fed them my whole sob story and asked for the free consultation they offered as part of their usual services and like… even if they could discount the fee it would help?

…of course, now I’m sitting here feeling even more sick to my stomach than I was before just thinking about the mess.  Because I SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS A MONTH AGO WHEN I ACTUALLY HAD TIME.  NOT WHEN SCHOOL AND WORK ARE STARTING UP IN TWO DAYS.  *cries*

But if I didn’t do anything now, I just wasn’t going to end up doing it.  So it’s good that I forced myself to send that form.

It is.


*curls up in a corner and shakes for a while*



*heavy sigh*  It’s been one hell of a day.  😛

It started last night when I couldn’t fall asleep.  That wasn’t so good.  And then this morning, I remember hearing my alarm go off at 5.  The next thing I knew, I was rolling over to check the time on my phone and just as I noted that it was 7:05, my uncle came up the stairs and knocked on my door to ask if I was going to work.

…I usually LEAVE MY HOUSE at 6:30.  -.-;;;

So, I raced through my morning things, didn’t even get to shower, and got out the door in 20 minutes flat.  I somehow made it to class by 8:01.  Considering that that time of the morning is HORRIFIC with the traffic and class starts at 8:00?  NOT TOO SHABBY.  But I’ve been discombobulated and screwing shit up ever since.  And I didn’t get home until 4:30 when I normally get home by 1:30.  So, it was straight to my parents’ for dinner and then I came home and just kind of… bleh.

And I’ve been doing things like rereading that story I posted last night and I’m suddenly convinced it sucks and I’m pissed I didn’t wait to post it until I was sure.  And I know that’s probably just my usually brain-being-stupid crap, but… yeah.  I’m really afraid I’ve lost the ability to write and I don’t know how to get it back.

…because, you know, I really needed that worry on top of all the other stress that’s starting to build in my life.

On top of all this, one of my favorite ensemble members is leaving Les Mis next Sunday and I really want to go see him again before he does, but I just don’t have the ENERGY and he’s one more tie to the show I’m losing and it’s stupid, but I’m just really really sad about it.  And I want to make him a scarf, but he’s Montparnasse and a Marius/US and I don’t have patterns for either of them and I owe another friend a scarf that I should have made a month ago and somehow just… didn’t and– I’m just really not having a good day.  *sigh*

And I STILL have to write that fucking literature review.