no really – eirenical17

So… the turning of the year has been interesting so far…

(MAJOR AMOUNTS OF BABBLE and a bit of TMI below the cut. Sorry… :P)

First off, I ended 2015 SUPER stressed and bummed out. As a result, you’ll have noticed I haven’t been around much and my queue keeps running out. One of the reasons is that my final Worker’s Comp hearing was on the 30th and YET AGAIN a judge completely fucked me over for things that were beyond my control. And even though I was expecting it to go that way (because I always expect the worst when it comes to having faith in systems and people), it was still a major blow and I wasn’t as ready for it as I expected to be. There’s a part of me still sitting around wailing “But that’s not fair!!” as if that part of me somehow, despite all evidence to the contrary, EXPECTED IT TO EVER BE FAIR. *shakes head at self* So, yeah. Major bummer.

Anyway, the New Year came and the Old Year went and I caved in when my sister suggested we go back to Weight Watchers. And that was a HUGE mistake. I’d been feeling pretty low all week and just generally cranky and I was exhausted and the meeting was early and for any of you who caught all my angst yesterday… yeah. That’s what that was. Needless to say, that one meeting was enough to convince me that the direction they’re currently taking their program is NOT going to work for me and I canceled the membership I’d just bought… and I’m OK with that. When I’m ready to take the weight off, I will. But right now, my mental battery is already running down by 5 PM most days and I just don’t have the energy to deal with that. So, I won’t.

One of the reasons that they pissed me off so much was that they’re taking this new “holistic approach” to weight loss that amounts to “if you feel good about yourself and develop excellent self-esteem and are completely mentally healthy, then the pounds will just magically disappear!” And you know what? They’re not entirely wrong there… but IF IT WERE THAT SIMPLE, I WOULDN’T NEED A WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM, NOR WOULD I NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU ARE NOT A TRAINED THERAPIST, MS. WEIGHT WATCHER LEADER, SO KINDLY TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD PLEASE AND THANK. ugh. So, yeah. That fucked with my head something awful.

Here’s a funny thing, though. After the meeting when they gather the new people to explain the program, the leader said something snooty to me about “Well, do you have your little book? Are you going to take it out?” and I just slowly raised my head and stared her down and said, “I have it. I’m good.” And the best part is that when my sister and I were talking afterwords, she said to me, “OMG, though. Your response to her was amazing. I can’t believe she even said that. I know not to even talk to you when you have that look on your face. That’s why I didn’t say anything to you all meeting!” And that was both hilarious and reassuring, because these days, a lot of the time, I feel like my sister and I have drifted so far apart that we barely even know each other, you know? So, to know that she can still read me that well was really nice. ^_^ (This is the same look, BTW, that caused my misogynist shithead of a boss–who always used to interrupt me and make me work on my break instead of bothering the boys–to say, “You know what, actually? Never mind. You look comfy. I’ll get one of the boys to do it,” and then slowly back out of the room and flee. It was HILARIOUS. XD …and that should have been my first clue. :P)

Because later that day? CRAMPS. SUCH CRAMPS. UGH. And really, my low state, my increased anxiety, my attitude, THAT LOOK (which I can only ever manage at the heights of PMS), and my general irritation with everyone and everything, should have clued me in, but didn’t. 😛 I’M A BIT SLOW SOMETIMES. And of course, my mom, sister and I were going to see a show in the city that night (last night) and I was supposed to be seeing the new SW movie with a friend this morning. In spite of crampiness, though, I went to the show with my sister and mom and we had an AMAZING time. We really did. ^_^ And I was even in a better mood this morning and said friend and I had a really pleasant drive out to the theatre… only to find that the movie was STILL SOLD OUT EXCEPT FOR THE FIRST ROW, ARGH. *hangs head* WHY DID I NOT CHECK???

But she was really philosophically good-natured about it and said, “Well, we can come back tomorrow and it was a good day for an outing, a pleasant drive, and good conversation!” And you know what? She was right. ^_^ So we got our tickets for tomorrow (which isn’t even CLOSE to sold out and if I’d thought about it, I’d never have suggested Sunday to begin with :P), got a drink at Starbucks and headed home.

And halfway home? CUE MASSIVE 2ND DAY EXHAUSTION. EVERY. FUCKING. MONTH. O_o;;; Seriously, I’m like clockwork. On the second day, it’s like every ounce of energy I have just drains out of me and I can barely keep my eyes open. But I made it home and we talked a bit more, then parted ways, and I crept upstairs and put my pajamas back on and laid down in bed with a book. THREE HOURS LATER, I WOKE UP. -.-;;; That second day is the only day I can nap and not feel worse when I get up. Like, I’ve found that if I give in to the exhaustion fully and completely and just sleep, when I wake up I feel almost normal. No more uber-low, cry-about-every-little-thing feelings. No more CRUSHING EXHAUSTION. It’s like a reset button and it’s fucking amazing. I’m still not going to push myself too hard today, but really, I feel much better. ^_^

(Also, I got an amazing pair of messages from @elissa-nerd-writer-24601 telling me things that I think I really, really needed to hear and that lifted my spirits SO much that I think I will be writing things this afternoon. ^_^ So, THANK YOU. ^______________^)

And really, just… general thank you to all of you who have been supportive this year. I’m not the only one who had a hard 2015, and it means so much to me that no matter how low we’ve all felt, we’ve still been there supporting each other, and it’s really mean so so much to me. I’m not going to name names, just in case I forget someone, but you all know who you are and you’re amazing. (And if you think this is about you, it probably is. ^_~)

I love you all and I’m so glad I have you in my life. ^_^

And even though the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 were kind of rough, here’s hoping this accidental three hour nap was a reset on more than just my physical energy. Get at me, 2016. I’m finally ready for you!