there’s all these aus about vader finding luke and smuggling him away to the empire in a clever moment of mental clarity, but please consider this crack au: after being faced with slavery, his mother’s death, tusken raiders, sand, obi-wan kenobi, seeing the larses, and tatooine in general, vader lays eyes on toddler luke skywalker – his son, which meant palpatine lied, holy fuck i’m a father, oh god padme i’m so sorry – and flips.
this is the straw that breaks the semi-rational sith lord’s back. in true anakin skywalker fashion, vader panics, scoops his son into his arms, charges into mos espa and turns it upside down, steals a shuttle from his own fleet, slams random hyperspace coordinates, and is thrown into space with no real idea where he’s going or when he’s going to get there. with a toddler.
to make things more interesting, obi-wan snuck aboard the ship, but dropped his lightsaber in the ruckus of sneaking into imperial ranks. and poor, poor firmus piett, a lowly officer who just so happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, runs smack into him.
and they’re all stuck on a ship, indefinitely. with a toddler.
sweet baby jesus i love this idea
just vader, picking up toddler luke under his arm like a football, and RUNNING LIKE FUCKING HELL
[darth vader voice] I HAVE YOU NOW
*toddler Luke SCREAMING the whole time*
obiwan just having a nervous breakdown
“what what why are you doing this you’re evil but but what what is this someone shut that child up”
i love that people are contributing this is AMAZING
vader hefts the child into his arms – YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM – and literally turns away from everyone else like a kid with a new mcdonald’s toy. you can’t have him, YOU CAN’T EVEN LOOK AT HIM. luke quiets down because he’s up so high and he can see EVERYTHING and it’s fascinating. luke’s an easily impressed kid, after all. (and there are vents up here that he can nearly reach to crawl through!)
obi-wan: you can’t take luke from me, darth.
vader, probably: LIKE YOU TOOK MY LIMBS???? HUH OBI-WAN????? HUH?????
What if at one point Obi-wan and Vader get all huffy and refuse to speak to each other and Piett has to act as the go between.
vader: tell that washed up old man that i know exactly what i’m doing
piett: yes, lord vader
piett: excuse me, master jedi, but lord vader has everything under control
obi-wan: [huffs] That walking disaster hasn’t had anything under control since he was nine, and you can tell him i said that. In fact, i insist
piett: [looks into the camera like on the office]
oh god i have to write this now. you’ve convinced me, I AM SOLD. THERE IS ALMOST NOTHING BETTER THAN THIS IMAGE.
imagine it gets to the point where vader and obi-wan are screaming at each other with piett stuck in the middle, and luke, his attention torn away from the pretty lights on vader’s chest, clambers up and pats vader right over the respirator. “stop,” luke, a 2 year old, orders, patting sith lord darth vader gently on the face. “is mean,” announces luke.
vader re-settles luke in his arms. “say sowwy,” luke demands. vader, reluctantly, apologizes. he’s not taken with this child at all, obviously he’s just trying to earn luke’s respect, clearly. duh.
luke clambers off vader and toddles to piett to give him the biggest hug. “i sowwy,” says luke, solemnly. piett is about to faint. first lord vader, now the lordling? this is Too Much. vader’s probably giving piett the most terrifying death glare from behind his mask.
with the blessing of the Great and Powerful Luke Skywalker, piett can DEMAND THESE TWO STOP BEING CHILDREN but quietly, with a lot of respect.
obi-wan, meanwhile: i need a drink. i need a whole liquor bottle
I need to draw this
I said I would.
I THINK I’VE DIED AND ASCENDED TO HEAVEN
date a guy who is handsome and can draw
date a guy who is a hero to the galaxy
date a guy who praises the ground you walk on
date a guy who loves you more than anything
date a guy who would commit mass murder and betrayal for you
date Anakin Skywalker
#do NOT date Anakin Skywalker
#you will get PREGNANT and DIE
This went from Star Wars to Mean Girls in no time at all
‘The greatest people you will ever meet and the worst. Beware of the Sith’
Raise your hand if you feel personally victimised by Senator Palpatine
Nice wig what’s it made out of?
Chewbakas chest hair
“If you’re voiced by James Earl Jones, why are you white?”
“Oh my GOD Luke you can’t just ask the Lord of the Sith why he’s white”
Get in Skywalker. We’re going Jedi training
i have whiplash from this
This is so perfect.
Co-parenting at it’s finest.
Obi-Wan: What’s that look?
Anakin: What look?
Obi-Wan: The look. The look you give me when you don’t tell me what you’re thinking, and the next thing I know I’m getting shot at.
Okay, but have you considered: Marius as the world’s awkwardest vampire.
You know what though, the more I think about this the more sense it makes. Marius Pontmercy
- Is already a “Baron”
- Wears all black
- Only goes out at night
- Has one Romance and one Germanic language down; can easily find some place with empty castles
- His father-in-law has slept in a coffin
- Has a track record of reworking his ethical system to whatever suits his strongest interests; would definitely be able to rationalize eating people
- Great at murder
- Frequently seems to not know what decade it is
- All his friends are dead
((Seeing that Father’s day post going around got me wanting to draw some cute Cosette with her papa… but then I got sad for Marius and Georges and then I got carried away with the Thenardiers NO SURPRISE THERE.))
Remember when Anakin cut his son’s hand off and then immediately asked him if they could be pals as if he hadn’t just cut his son’s hand off?
Anakin’s like, “I lost four limbs… I’m not sure why he’s so upset?”
“Son, back in my day you had to crawl uphill out of a volcano when you lost a limb, you kids have it so easy.”
“goddamn entitled space millennials. why are you crying, was that your selfie hand, wuss?”
I feel like Courfeyrac would get these for Grantaire, and R LOVES them