there’s all these aus about vader finding luke and smuggling him away to the empire in a clever moment of mental clarity, but please consider this crack au: after being faced with slavery, his mother’s death, tusken raiders, sand, obi-wan kenobi, seeing the larses, and tatooine in general, vader lays eyes on toddler luke skywalker – his son, which meant palpatine lied, holy fuck i’m a father, oh god padme i’m so sorry – and flips.
this is the straw that breaks the semi-rational sith lord’s back. in true anakin skywalker fashion, vader panics, scoops his son into his arms, charges into mos espa and turns it upside down, steals a shuttle from his own fleet, slams random hyperspace coordinates, and is thrown into space with no real idea where he’s going or when he’s going to get there. with a toddler.
to make things more interesting, obi-wan snuck aboard the ship, but dropped his lightsaber in the ruckus of sneaking into imperial ranks. and poor, poor firmus piett, a lowly officer who just so happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, runs smack into him.
and they’re all stuck on a ship, indefinitely. with a toddler.
sweet baby jesus i love this idea
just vader, picking up toddler luke under his arm like a football, and RUNNING LIKE FUCKING HELL
[darth vader voice] I HAVE YOU NOW
*toddler Luke SCREAMING the whole time*
obiwan just having a nervous breakdown “what what why are you doing this you’re evil but but what what is this someone shut that child up”
i love that people are contributing this is AMAZING
vader hefts the child into his arms – YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM – and literally turns away from everyone else like a kid with a new mcdonald’s toy. you can’t have him, YOU CAN’T EVEN LOOK AT HIM. luke quiets down because he’s up so high and he can see EVERYTHING and it’s fascinating. luke’s an easily impressed kid, after all. (and there are vents up here that he can nearly reach to crawl through!)
obi-wan: you can’t take luke from me, darth. vader, probably: LIKE YOU TOOK MY LIMBS???? HUH OBI-WAN????? HUH?????
What if at one point Obi-wan and Vader get all huffy and refuse to speak to each other and Piett has to act as the go between.
vader: tell that washed up old man that i know exactly what i’m doing
piett: …
piett: yes, lord vader
piett: excuse me, master jedi, but lord vader has everything under control
obi-wan: [huffs] That walking disaster hasn’t had anything under control since he was nine, and you can tell him i said that. In fact, i insist
piett: [looks into the camera like on the office]
oh god i have to write this now. you’ve convinced me, I AM SOLD. THERE IS ALMOST NOTHING BETTER THAN THIS IMAGE.
imagine it gets to the point where vader and obi-wan are screaming at each other with piett stuck in the middle, and luke, his attention torn away from the pretty lights on vader’s chest, clambers up and pats vader right over the respirator. “stop,” luke, a 2 year old, orders, patting sith lord darth vader gently on the face. “is mean,” announces luke.
vader re-settles luke in his arms. “say sowwy,” luke demands. vader, reluctantly, apologizes. he’s not taken with this child at all, obviously he’s just trying to earn luke’s respect, clearly. duh.
luke clambers off vader and toddles to piett to give him the biggest hug. “i sowwy,” says luke, solemnly. piett is about to faint. first lord vader, now the lordling? this is Too Much. vader’s probably giving piett the most terrifying death glare from behind his mask.
with the blessing of the Great and Powerful Luke Skywalker, piett can DEMAND THESE TWO STOP BEING CHILDREN but quietly, with a lot of respect.
obi-wan, meanwhile: i need a drink. i need a whole liquor bottle
If the word had been said with Obi-Wan’s usual irreverence, Anakin wouldn’t have stopped. The day had been long, and he was tired down to his bones. And somewhere under the exhaustion, there was the fear that the darkness stretching out before him would swallow him, would devour the best of him.
So he stayed.
Obi-Wan was afraid. Anakin could feel the fear coming off of him in palpable waves, rolling and roiling over him the nearer he walked to where Obi-Wan was seated in the shadows.
“Obi-Wan—”
“Can’t you feel it?” Obi-Wan asked. His voice was trembling, and when Anakin stood in front of him and gripped his shoulder, he found that his body was shivering, too.
“Feel what?” Anakin asked. But he knew. Of course he did.
The end. Of everything. Of the Republic, of the Jedi.
Of them.
His fingers dug down into Obi-Wan’s shoulder, and when Obi-Wan pressed his face against his stomach, Anakin closed his eyes and moved his fingers to the nape of Obi-Wan’s neck.
“The dark,” Obi-Wan whispered, arms wrapping around Anakin’s waist and breath hot and fast against his stomach.
Yes, he felt it.
Nothing had ever been more intimate with him than the dark.
Not even Obi-Wan, when his lips pressed where his breath had touched.
And in that moment, Obi-Wan knew that Anakin loved him.
Not as a brother loved his brother, or a friend loved his friend, no – Anakin loved him as he loved Padme, deeply and wildly and passionately. It scared Obi-Wan, not because of its intensity or its heat, but because of how immensely he enjoyed the way Anakin cared for him. It should have been a burden, it should have made him recoil, should have made him warn his former Padawan to tread lightly where attachment and affection and want were concerned.
But instead, it only made Obi-Wan warm, to look into Anakin’s eyes, to look into the eyes of the boy he had trained and the man that he called friend and brother, and to know that he loved him enough to throw aside his entire future in the Order. That Anakin would die for him was not surprising – Obi-Wan had witnessed his short-sightedness before, and on more than one occasion had been on the receiving end of his misguided heroism – but what was surprising was that Anakin had chosen to live for him too.
Leaving was for the best, Obi-Wan knew that. Ending the war was far more important than whatever painful, beautiful love existed in Anakin’s eyes when they watched him. It would do both of them good to be apart from one another, to let the stars separate them and know that they were strong enough to survive without one another. Attachment was forbidden for a reason, it clouded the senses and confused the mind, and the sooner Anakin realized that, the better.
“Obi-Wan.”
He stopped, sure that when he turned around Anakin would have that same damnable look in his eyes, that cut him to the quick and made Obi-Wan feel that he could never survive so far from him. Stars, Anakin would look half-starved for him, and Obi-Wan wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to not sate his hunger.
His eyes, while needing, weren’t at all primal with hunger when Obi-Wan faced him. They were soft, pained, and Obi-Wan had to keep himself from reaching out to him.
“May the Force be with you, Master,” Anakin said.
There was a goodbye in his voice. Not only because Obi-Wan was leaving. He felt it, and there was nothing he could do but nod and smile, to wish him the same.
There was something else, hidden under his words, buried beneath his farewell.
Okay, so did i tell you that i love “wicked thing” with the burning passion of a Mustafar flames? i think i did 😉 Anyway @imaginaryanon posted a new chapter yesterday, so once again, if you love sith Obi Wan and Anakin being a loser in love – run, don’t walk! Also big thanks to @lightsaber for listening to my ramblings and generally being the best♡
imagine the Jedi finding like, holonet fansites about them.
People who freak out and take pictures whenever they see a jedi
people who have whole worlds of wildly inaccurate headcanons about Jedi and certain Jedi whose pictures of various everyday heroics have become holonet memes
people who make plastoid lightsaber props
in the clone wars, whole fansites and blogs dedicated solely to Kenobi and Skywalker
Obi-Wan finds them and is scandalized
Anakin finds them and has the time of his life – he actual starts his own blog anonymously, which he updates with really good photos and funny, OOC posts about himself and Obi-Wan (((but liek how does he get those photos???/?? like kriff’s sake NO one KNEOWS)))
Master Yoda follows this blog religiously
Literally everyone in the Temple knows about Anakin’s blog except for Obi-Wan
Mace Windu trolls all of the comments section. The kicker? He does so as himself, but no one believes him, everyone thinks he’s a fan that somehow got the username TheRealMaceWindu
Palpatine follows Anakin’s blog, but does not know that it is anakin. He thinks it is some very distractible, annoying fanboy.
When the generals aren’t watching, the clones pick up all the dime store novels based on the Jedi and snigger to themselves in the barracks at the ridiculous sterotypes and misrepresentations – especially when Kenobi is made into a middle-aged heart throb.
Eventually, Anakin grows lax with his anonymity and starts his own blog as himself – it becomes one of the most popular blogs in the republic within a matter of weeks.
He posts a lot about Obi-Wan, only because he knows he will hate it. Obi-Wan’s consistent death glares at the camera have inspired their own meme.
Ahsoka once hacked Anakin’s blog and posted pictures of him making weird faces
Sienca. I started right at the beginning to figure out HOW, and then let everything spiral from that point. 🙂
3)
What’s your favorite line of narration?
uhmmmmhummm. Not sure I have a favorite, but this one is nice:
Obi-Wan
trailed him all the way back to their quarters, and it had nothing to do with
the young man suddenly remembering proper protocol. If it weren’t for Jedi training, Qui-Gon
suspected that Obi-Wan would have been gaping outright.
Every time
Qui-Gon glanced back to check on his Padawan, the boy’s eyes were darting around,
taking in all aspects of Temple architecture and life. Qui-Gon had the distinct impression that
Obi-Wan was trying valiantly not to stare at each passing member of the Order.
They
reached their quarters without incident, a fact that left Qui-Gon releasing a
quiet sigh of relief. He wasn’t certain
that Obi-Wan would be able to handle curiosity from friends right now. Hell, Qui-Gon didn’t think that he was up to
questions yet, either.
Once
inside, Obi-Wan stopped dead in his tracks.
Then, before Qui-Gon could say a word, he proceeded to touch everything.
Qui-Gon
watched, realizing he was witnessing an intense act of re-familiarization. There was nothing in the common room that was
not investigated, by quick touch or by being picked up and explored with nimble
fingers.
Those marvelous shields Obi-Wan now possessed let
nothing slip, but Qui-Gon could read body language when no other options
existed. His Padawan was deeply upset, disturbed
by everything surrounding him, and shaken by his meeting with the Council.
4) “Panic is for when the crisis has passed.”
Nice! And that’s one of my favorite bits of narration, too, actually! I usually end up re-reading that bit once or twice every time I get to it. ^_^
because YES, Anakin Skywalker absolutely CANNOT BE RAISED LIKE A NORMAL JEDI. He remembers his mother! He LOVES his mother! He has crisis-forged emotional attachments to people who know NOTHING about the Force or the Jedi code, and he knows absolutely nothing about life in the temple while simultaneously knowing a FUCKTON more about life outside it than a normal nine year-old would be expected to handle. He has pride and fear and DRASTICALLY SKEWED EMOTIONAL NEEDS, compared to what any traditionally-educated crechemaster or instructor is used to handling in their typical baby Jedi.
(and yeah we gotta read-more this one, I guess, sorry mobile users :X)
so if BB-8′s “a BB unit”, does that mean there’s a BB-1 through 7?
Does this mean there were scary stories on the flight deck pre- or post-mission with Poe and Black Squadron? Imagine Poe with a light-stick beneath his chin and a glint in his eye, kneeling to speak in a spooky voice to BB-8.
“Hey, BB-8. Why is BB-6 afraid of BB-7?”
An inquisitive whirr.
“’Cause BB-7 ate 9!”
“!!!!” BB-8 rolls back and forth in panic while Poe falls over laughing.
“It’s okay, buddy. I didn’t mean it literally! It’s just a joke!” (A joke??) “Yeah, a joke!” BB-8 gently zaps Poe in retribution and rolls away, the droid-equivalent of a walking off in a huff.
“Ow, hey! Come on, BB-8, it was supposed to be funny!”
BB-8 doesn’t speak to him for the rest of the day, so Poe goes on a mission around base asking any and everyone if they’ve seen any droids, and joins the squadron table at dinner looking exhausted but triumphant. BB-8 is with them.
“Hey, BB-8, look!” He holds up a round, shrieking droid with a grin. “It’s BB-7!”
BB-8 beeps in alarm and hides behind the table leg while Poe gently explains that BB-7 is not really scary at all, see?
BB cautiously rolls out to investigate for itself. Cue gentle droid booping.
They become bosom buddies and roll everywhere together, collect the whole gang and then BB rolls up to Poe pre-flight sometime a week later, like ten minutes before take off. “BB-8, buddy where were you? we gotta go!” “!!” “what is it?” BB-8 is insistent.“!” “You wanna show me something? ok buddy but make it quick, it’s almost time to leave.”
BB-8 whistles and BB-6 rolls over in a panic, whirring. BB-8 whirrs at it and it whirrs back and all three of them turn towards BB-7 rolling determinedly along. BB-6 Ducks behind BB-8 as BB-7 rolls to a stop a few feet before reaching them. A smaller beep draws Poe’s attention to his feet where BB-9 sits, rocking back and forth in contentment.
All three droids beep back the joke in binary.
Poe cries laughing and doesn’t stop until the General herself contacts him on comms to ask what him the hold up is.
Okay but consider: the droids.
The fact that they clearly, CLEARLY rehearsed this little show before showing off to Poe on the tarmac just before the flight
BB-8 is a very strict producer ok
lots of beeeeeeep!!! and whirrrr bleeep!!!s when the others got it wrong
“no it has to be THIS WAY” “this is how Poe told it!” “do it OVER.”
No idea yet–April has been a weird fuckin’ month guys–but I thought I’d toss up a snippet to prove that yes, there IS a next RE chapter coming down the pile:
Chapters: 1/? Fandom: Star Wars, Victor Hugo Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Warnings Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi Additional Tags: Digressions, Florid prose, Fantastic racism, Classism, Sexism, Kidnapping, Implied human/sentient experimentation, Minor character death, Other additional tags to be added
Summary: Being an account, in pastiche style, of a boy whose story may or may not be the embodiment of the hero’s journey, and who therefore encounters a call to adventure, a wise advisor, a mystical weapon, a road of trials, a rogue, a princess, and a villain (in that order); and who, over the course of fighting an evil empire, finds himself attaining his goals, both symbolic and literal. In space.
I LAUGHED I CRIED I LEARNED ABOUT TATTOOINE’S WATER CYCLE
This may be the single greatest cross-fandom pastiche I have ever seen. How you’ve kept up Hugo’s voice SO well while keeping the story and characters so distinct to SW I have no idea, but you totally do it, and it’s amazing!
eirenical17 