Today was our annual family bbq. As usual, I’m exhausted but I had SO MUCH FUN. ^_____^ I really do enjoy my family. ^_^

And now I should maybe go to bed because I have to be somewhere in 9 ½ hours. Oops! ^_^

Today was a pretty good day, so I thought a “good day photoset” was in order.  ^_^

First three pictures: my new soothing bowl, some brewing earl grey midnight tea, and the newly cleansed clear quartz chips that will go in the soothing bowl.

Middle pictures: Gabriel being a cutey.  ^_^  Because he is.

Bottom three pictures: MY GARDEN.  LOOK HOW WELL EVERYTHING’S GROWING!!  😀  My first zucchini should be ready in a few days and I’ve been eating the chives for over a week.  ^_^  SO EXCITED.

Other things that were good behind the cut:

So, my therapist is out on medical leave for back surgery and her friend/mentor is taking over most of her cases while she’s gone.  Anyway, I was REALLY REALLY nervous about that.  But you know what?  I REALLY really like her.  In fact, I hate to say it, because I really do love my therapist, but I’m almost tempted to say that D. is a better fit for me.  We have the same energy in a way?  That kind of high-strung, excitable almost-nervous energy?  And combining me with another person like that usually means SHIT GETS DONE.  So… I’m tentatively hopeful?  Which would feel like a major betrayal, but my therapist basically already said, “If you like working with her and want to stay with her, THAT’S OK.”  So… I guess we’ll see?  -.-;;;  Anyway, it’s at least two months too early for that particular worry, so I’m going to not focus on it for now.

Other things that are cool: I finally stopped in at the yoga studio and got information on classes with an eye towards starting yoga again.  Because I am so stiff and in so much general muscle pain because of all my lost flexibility and something has to give and I’d rather it not be my back.  -.-;;;  Anyway, I really liked the studio and the receptionist was SUPER nice and just kind of left me with this feeling that this was the right move?  Which is good because I think I needed that level of encouragement.  Because on some level, as the new therapist smacked it right on the head, I don’t think I deserve to feel better.  So I don’t do the things that I know will make me feel better.  Well, FUCK THAT.  I WANT TO FEEL BETTER.  So.  Gonna try?  -.-;;;

And last but not least, my soothing bowl.  LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS BECAUSE IT IS COOL.  It’s exactly what it sounds like – a bowl meant for soothing you.  Here’s a picture.  It’s a bowl with some kind of polished stone/crystal chips inside it.  Nothing fancy.  Anyway, the idea is that when you’re stressed, you run your fingers through the chips and pick them up and let them sift through your fingers.  And I saw the one they had in the window and was kind of like… huh.  That sounds interesting.  So I did as instructed and just… OMG.  As a sensory thing is was SO SATISFYING AND SOOTHING.  It was everything I love about running my hands through dry sand without the roughness of the sand or the granules getting stuck in the creases of my fingers.  So with that in mind, I bought a larger ceramic bowl the color of sand fading into the turquoise ocean in the bottom.  And when it came time to pick a crystal, well… I know nothing about crystals.  O_o;;;  So I just go with my gut of which one I think feels right.  And I picked clear quartz.  This is the blurb from the store about it:

Crystal Quartz is known as the “master healer” and will amplify energy and thought, as well as the effect of other crystals.  It absorbs, stores, releases and regulates energy.  Clear Quartz draws off negative energy of all kinds, neutralizing background electromagnetic radiation.  It balances and revitalizes the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual planes and acts as a deep soul cleanser, connecting the physical dimension with the mind.  Clear quartz enhances psychic abilities.  It aids concentration and unlocks memory while it stimulates the immune system and brings the body into balance.

Sounds like just what the doctor ordered for someone with anxiety, ADHD, a wealth of negativity, and chronic pain, doesn’t it?  O_o;;;  GOOD JOB, SUBCONSCIOUS.

Anyway, I cleansed two of the bags of crystal chips earlier and they’re now drying in the window, so hopefully they’ll be dry enough for the bowl by tomorrow.  ^_^

So, yeah.  That’s what’s going on with me.  Not too shabby for once, huh?  ^_^

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…oh good.  Another mood crash right when I’m considering going to sleep.

Seriously, wtf is wrong with me?

That’s two nights in a row.

I WAS FINE FIVE MINUTES AGO.

ARGH.

I think this is where I give up and just put myself in bed and pray that I actually fall asleep.  *sigh*  FUCK.

Oh, hello, sudden random mood nose-dive.

*sigh*

I knew I should have tried to go to bed an hour ago.

Fuck.

eirenical:

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OK, nope.  I take back the part about feeling better.

Everything is making me jump out of my skin and I still feel queasy.  And it’s almost 11 and I’m not even TIRED and I just have this sinking feeling that I’ll be tossing and turning all night and end up feeling even worse tomorrow.

FUck. EVERYTHING.

*headdesk*

as a side note: KIDS.  IF YOU EMAIL YOUR P.ROFESSORS OVER THE SUMMER AND THEY ACTUALLY EMAIL YOU BACK WITHIN 12 HOURS?  FUCKING RESPOND TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOU GOT THEIR ANSWER.  PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY.  WE SIT HERE AND STEW IN OUR A.NXIETY OVER YOUR EXPECTATIONS JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO OVER OURS.

that is all. thank you.

i’m having a really shit night

something’s just… not right in my head right now

i’m a ridiculous ball of depressive anxiety and i’m hungry and queasy at the same time and i can’t stand being in my house because i can’t fucking sit still but there’s nowhere to go and nothing to do and no one to do it with and everything hurts in this vague and annoying way that i can’t really do anything about

*sigh*  i wish i could just go to sleep and have a mulligan on this whole fucking shithole of a day

OK!  Critical review is done!  😀  Now, other than writing a few more sections for the lit review I just handed in (because my professor and I had a miscommunication snafu) I AM ALL CAUGHT UP ON ALL MY WORK AND I’M SO HAPPY I COULD CRY.  XD

And actually, apart from the snafu of how many sections she wanted an what constituted a section, she said that my lit review was going really well until it cut short.  So.  That’s not nothing.  ^_^  Especially because she’s kind of blunt with her feedback and apparently has made a few students cry.  O_o;;;  Not on purpose, but because she’s just… blunt.  If something’s wrong, she’ll tell you it’s wrong.  (And honestly, I’ve got a pretty thin skin usually, but prepped by her telling us that it’s not personal, it’s just how she gives feedback, her feedback… didn’t seem cruel to me or anything?  I mean, it really didn’t.  Then again, that might have just been because I was doing a good job.  IDK.  -.-;;;)

ANYWAY, the point is that for the first time in forever, I FEEL LIKE I CAN BREATHE and it’s wonderful.  ^_________^

Anyway.  I’m meeting @dreamer-wisher-liar to go see a show in a few hours, so I should probably shower and get dressed now.  ^_^  I hope you’re all having a great day and that you have a great weekend and those three languishing prompts will be coming soon, I PROMISE.  ^_____^

Later!

So… interesting day, today.  Took the first step on the road of possibly getting myself diagnosed and treated for the ADHD I’ve known I had for at least 4-5 years, now.  Which means meds.  Which is honestly a little terrifying, but… I’m tired of not doing my best.  Especially when the reason I’m not doing my best at anything is that I can’t focus enough TO do my best at anything.  UGH.  Anyway.  So, that’s a thing.

Also had our last rehearsal before Saturday’s concert and my solo went a HELL of a lot better than it did last night.  I don’t know why I choked so bad last night, but I went home and rehearsed the SHIT out of it and it sounds much better, now, so I’m not going to question it.

Of course… now I’m feeling the three 3-hour rehearsals + home rehearsal time and my throat is NOT thanking me.  So.  Chamomile tea.  *sigh*  I really don’t like chamomile tea.  If only it weren’t so good for voice strain.  😛

Anyway, I have exactly one day now to do the three assignments I have due, so I’m going to try to put myself to bed as soon as I’m done with my tea, in the hopes I’ll be up early enough to get it all done.  And I’m saving that last prompt for when I get my work done, so I have something to look forward to.

I hope you’ve all been doing well!  *snugs*

…thanks professor.  I REALLY needed that extra kick of anxiety this morning.  AS IF I’M NOT ALREADY SICK TO MY STOMACH WITH IT AS IT IS.

Breaking down in tears tally for the day: I

*sigh*

It’s been a really weird week.  I feel like I’m sitting in this oasis of calm that’s entirely deceptive.  I have work to do for my summer class.  I have work to catch up on from previous classes.  I have a syllabus to write for the class I’m teaching this summer.  I have SO MUCH TO DO.

…but I’m just not there.

And part of the reason why has been because this stupid C.aptain A.merica thing bit me in the ass so hard that I haven’t quite recovered from it.  The worst part of it was that I had just hit a point where I couldn’t care anymore.  I knew I should.  I knew it should matter.  But it just DIDN’T.  Because the more I saw people reblogging about how upset they were about H.ydraC.ap, the more _I_ got upset that it was the only instance of antisemitism that I’d seen tumblr, as a whole, get upset about.  And that made me feel isolated and alone and very alienated.  And I honest to fuck had no idea what to do about it.

Then yesterday I started seeing different posts.  I saw posts calling people out on the fact that when it’s their beloved superhero they’re all inflamed and outraged about antisemitism, but otherwise… crickets.  And better than that, these posts were providing resources, alternatives, ways to talk about antisemitism and learn from this to do better.  And something in me woke up.

Donate to the Holocast Memorial instead of buying the comic?  DON’T MIND IF I DO.  Reblog posts about antisemitism and microaggressions against Jews?  ABSOLUTELY.  Share resources for people who want to learn about Judaism?  No problem!  These are things I can do.  I can be proactive.  I can be more involved.  In fact, I can post more about my Judaism, PERIOD.  So, I will.  Maybe not much at first, maybe not always, but I’m going to do more.  I will not be a part of the deafening silence around this topic.

And do you know what happened when I made this decision?  Something else in me woke up, too.  I’ve been falling into a lot of bad habits lately.  Weight gain.  Lack of exercise.  Lack of contact with friends.  I’m not writing.  I’m not reading.  I’m not even doing any crafting.  I’m sure as hell not doing my schoolwork.  And these are long-standing habits that I’ve fallen into over months; years, really.  And they can’t stand.  I won’t let them.  I’m going to reclaim the parts of me that I miss.

I’m going to lose that damned weight so I can enjoy walking on the beach again without pain.  (Lord help me, as much as I hate the new points system, I signed up for WW online for the month to see if I can live with it, because one thing I can’t deny is that their system works for me. *sigh*)  I’m going to go digging through my closet for all the hippie clothes I’ve let fall to the back because I a) gained weight and b) felt so disconnected from that peace and nature-loving part of myself that I couldn’t even wear the clothes I loved.  (And when they don’t fit, I’ll buy new ones. ^_~  No, this has nothing to do with the fact that I have soulflower’s website open in the other browser, why do you ask?)  I’m going to devote time every day to sit down and work – whether that’s on my writing, my schoolwork, or my syllabus, I don’t care.  But every day I’m going to do SOMETHING before I let myself drift off into the neverending land of tumblr.

For the past year, I feel like I’ve been so buried in my own anxiety that I’ve been out of touch with the world.  I feel like I’ve been utterly and completely lost and disengaged from myself and everyone around me.  And I think I needed to sit in this oasis of calm for a while so I could start to see the difference.  I feel like I’ve been asleep.

I’M AWAKE, NOW.

And I’m going to do my best to fucking stay that way.