Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah~~~~~~~!!  Today was such a lovely day!  ^_^  Seriously.  It really was.  First of all, I only had to sub until noon, because that was her last class of the day.  So I got out nice and early.  Second, I was subbing for a science class, which meant I felt moderately competent, which is always a refreshing change.  ^_^  Third, it was Spirit Week and it was PAJAMA DAY, so I got to wear pajamas all day and apparently I look really cute in flannel plaid pants because I kept getting compliments?  Even once I’d left school to go about the rest of my day?  So, that was fun.  ^_^

Anyway, then I got to go home and chill for a few hours which was sorely needed.  Then I had class and that was fun, too.  SO much less stressful than the other classes I took this year, OMFG.

Then I had rehearsal for chorale.  So, I don’t know if I mentioned, but I DID get a solo for this concert.  It’s a little bitty solo.  Like… 2 measures.  BUT, after that, there’s a quartet.  And OMFG, WE HAVE SUCH A GOOD LITTLE QUARTET AND WE SOUND AMAZING TOGETHER AND I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LOVE SINGING IN SMALL GROUPS LIKE THAT AND I’M SO PUMPED FOR THIS, NOW.  XDDDD

(Side note: One of the women singing one of the other four solos there is someone whose voice I just LOVE.  Like, whenever I lose out on a solo to her I smile and shrug, “Yep, that’s fair.  Totally get you.  Can’t wait to hear her sing it.  ^______^”  Like, no jealousy at all on my part because I just LOVE HER VOICE that much.  So, anyway, we’re standing in order and she’s solo 1 and I’m solo 2 and this made me VERY happy because then I get to sing next to her for the whole thing.  ^______^  ANYWAY, later that night, the four of us were gushing over how awesome we all sounded together and she leaned over to me and said, “And, OMG, I LOVE SINGING NEXT TO YOU!!!” and I immediately gushed and beamed back, but seriously, that was so nice to hear?  Because I admire her so much and love singing near her, too, and it’s just really cool to hear that she feels the same about me.  ^______^  So.  There it is.)

Anyway, the point is that I had a really good day, and I hope the rest of you had good days and I am SO pumped for this concert!  XD

And tomorrow, I FINALLY get to see Civil War, so that’s cool, too.  ^_^

This day has been an utter shithole from start to finish.

I’m so exhausted I’m ready to cry just from that alone.  My anxiety is revved up to a fever pitch and every FUCKING little thing is making me jump.  And on top of that, I’ve had a headache all afternoon and now it feels like it’s trying to shift into a migraine on me.

I mean… when I got home from dinner I was so physically and emotionally drained I just collapsed onto my bed and couldn’t convince myself to move for about half an hour.

And now that I’ve eaten, I’m even more queasy than I’ve been all day just from nerves alone.

I’m done.  I’m so. fucking. done.

Why do I even bother?

*sigh* I feel so drained right now.  There are so many things I need to do.  SO MANY.  And my brain has basically been in survival mode for the past two weeks, just trying to get through the worst of it so I can try to move on.  But I’ve been so detached from everything that I just… don’t care?  At all?  And I hate feeling that way.

I’ve been wanting to write.  I’ve also been wanting to do crafty things.  And I just can’t get myself in gear enough to even try.  I HATE feeling like this.  But I know exactly why I do and nothing is going to make that better.  So.  😦

Also, the organizer is coming tomorrow and we skipped last week and we’re starting to hit that point where we’re not quite seeing eye-to-eye and I just know that’s going to end in a possibly-less-than-civil discussion and I just don’t want to deal.  But I HAVE TO.  We’re not done and we still have so much to do and whether or not I can physically or emotionally deal with it, it still needs to get done.  Along with a thousand other things.  *sigh*

I hope you’re all having a better week than I am?

So, as bad as yesterday was, today was about 1000 times worse.  I feel like I could really use a good cry, but I’m afraid once I start, I won’t be able to stop.

At this point there’s nothing left to jinx, because the worst has pretty much already been said.

The biopsy isn’t back yet, but my dog has cancer.

It’s bad.

So.

There it is.

I’m going to go cling to my cat for a while, now.

*waves*  Hello friends!  I feel like I haven’t talked to most of you in a while.  Since I actually finished all the work I told myself I had to finish, for a change I feel like I have some breathing space.  I’m contemplating doing some writing (either meme prompts or possibly Muet or No Man is an Island), but feel free to wander by and say hello if you’re around, OK?

I don’t know if any of you remember about a month ago when I was having a complete breakdown over the level of clutter in my room?  And I finally hired an organizer to help me get rid of all the crap?

How about an update?  With pictures?  ^_^

Well, I’ve met with her about once a week since February 4th (so I’ve had about four sessions with her, 3 of which were 3 hours long and 1 of which was 4 hours long) and there has been HUGE AMOUNTS OF PROGRESS.  I can’t even begin to tell you how good it feels to have a livable living space again.  There really are no words for the amount of weight that I feel has been lifted off of me with this process.  I can’t.  I feel like I can breathe again.  I actually enjoy spending time in my room, again.  It’s amazing. 

After our last session, the vast majority of “the pile” which took up the entirety of my floor was almost gone.  Like, I could tell that in another one or two sessions, I’d have my floor back.  And I actually kind of froze for a second because I had honestly started to think that I’d never get there and I could believe that that huge pile of CRAP was going to be gone soon.  Anyway, this morning, it was a beautiful spring-like day and I realized I wanted to do crafty stuff.  So I needed to get to my desk.  Problem: the last of The Pile was blocking my way to the desk.  😛  So rather than give up and go see a movie or something, I decided that this was it.  This was the day I FUCKING GOT RID OF THE REST OF THE PILE.  Because this amazing thing happens when you work with an organizer – you learn how to do this shit without them.  And I knew how to start now.  And I thought… I could do this.  I could really do this. 

…so I did.  😀

Before:

DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT HOW BAD IT WAS??  *hides head in shame*

Today when I finished my own bit of work:

(Sorry about the blur – the lighting wasn’t cooperating and I refused to close the curtains.  ^_~)

Now, obviously there is still a long way to go.  There’s still a lot to do, but LOOK AT WHAT WE ACCOMPLISHED.  😀  I am so fucking proud of myself I could cry.  ^_^

So, here’s the point, I guess.  In spite of my therapist attempting to bang this into my head week after week after week, I didn’t truly understand how much of an impact my environment was having on me until I started this process of getting stuff cleaned up.  Because with each successive week, I’ve felt like I could breathe a little easier… a little easier… a little easier.  And that has had a HUGE impact on how I feel.

Now, I’m not trying to imply that the mess was the cause of my mental health issues (if anything, it goes the other way round), but there is absolutely no question in my mind that the mess made everything worse.  Just knowing that I had to fight that monster up top to GET TO MY BED every night (and goodness forbid I needed to get to my desk O_o;;;), sapped so much of my energy that I had almost none left to fight the rest of my demons.  No WONDER I got sick so often.  No WONDER I was a frazzled mess all the time.  No WONDER I felt like I could never get any work done.  LOOK AT WHAT I WAS FIGHTING WITH.

So, yeah.  I guess the point is that I’m so so glad for friends like @kingesstropolis, who fielded my panicked questions about organizers, and my therapist, who put the idea in my head in the first place, and all the rest of you on here who sent me supportive messages about this endeavor when I was panicking about it.  You’re all awesome and I love you so much and I can’t WAIT to show you what this thing looks like when I’m finally DONE.  ^_________^

Question mark because no replies?

I realize my queue has run out and I haven’t been around much in the past couple of days.  I’d like to say that I have a good reason, but, uh… does getting sucked down the well of a really fucking amazing fic count as a good reason?  Because I did.  And it’s all @dreamer-wisher-liar‘s fault.

So, yes.  This amazing fic called “Re-entry/Re-entry: Journey of the Whills” by flamethrower ate my life the past week.  And I was just so immediately immersed in and overwhelmed by it that I did the thing that I try to never ever ever do which is consume heavily without leaving comments and I just couldn’t even pull myself out of the fic long enough to think coherently about how I was reacting to it much less to SAY ANYTHING and it’s driving me a little up the wall, because now the thought of going back and trying to retro-comment is just really, really daunting.  O_o;;;

So, I will just say this: if you like SW and are a Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan fan, and you like a REALLY HEALTHY HELPING OF OBI-WAN ANGST IN YOUR FIC… you may want to sacrifice a week of your life to reading this thing.  Because it’s AMAZING.  It made me fall in love with characters I didn’t even know and it’s so unbelievably solid and complete and detailed and I AM HAVING SO MUCH FLAILING OVER HERE, IT’S RIDICULOUS.  I honestly can’t even speak coherently about it, but this is every. fucking. thing. that I ever wanted out of a SW fic and I just can’t words and OMFG, I hope the author checks their tags because I tried to @ them in this post and couldn’t and this is way too much squee to fit in an ask.  -.-;;;

Anyway.  Yes.  Coherency.  I have lost it.  *hangs head*  So, I will stop before I resort to keyboard smashing.  *coughs*  ^_^

(Also, as a general comment, goodness bless the old MA archive and its migration to AO3 because there is SO MUCH GOOD FIC THERE.)

Also, I will try to refill my queue later, but I confess I let it lapse a bit because there is so little Les Mis on my dash right now and I really, really want to try to keep to my “every other post is LM” thing and I’m just too damned tired right now to sift through the tags for stuff.  -.-;;;

…in other news, you know you’ve been sucked into a fandom when you try to find a tea blend for a character on Adagio and can’t find one you like and end up SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING MAKING ONE.  Oh Obi-Wan… the things you do to me.  *shakes head fondly*  ^_^

How’s everyone else doing?

Holy SHIT today was a long day.  O_o;;;

So,
it was my first day back at work and at school today.  And I managed
not to get ANY of my work done for school that I was supposed to.  So
this morning I got it into my head that my professor was going to
UTTERLY HATE ME if I showed up to class without even trying to talk to
her about it first.  So, initially I was going to write her an email
asking to meet with her… and got about three words into said email
before bursting into tears.  So, that wasn’t so good.  😛  So, I emailed
her about everything instead.  This has been one really fucking hard
month and my anxiety has not been kind.  So I spilled all of this to her
in one really long email and her response boiled down to:

“O_O  
THAT SUCKS.  But your health is more important than anything else, so
we’ll sit down and figure out a way for you to do this.  It’s going to
be OK.  I got your back.”

And even though I KNEW that was how
she’d respond, I had STILL been expecting the “she’ll hate me” reaction,
so getting that email was somehow a shock?  *shakes fist*  FUCK YOU,
ANXIETY.

Anyway, I didn’t get that response until later in the
day, so I went off to work as a bundle of frazzled nerves.  UGH.  Of
course, the first thing my boss does upon seeing me is squeak and run
out of her office to glom onto me in this huge hug and not let go for a
couple of minutes.  (Have I mentioned I love my boss?  Because I love my
boss.  ^____________^)  Anyway, I was super early for my class, so I
hung out in the lab and helped with the orientation for the class before
mine and that was fun.  

Then I went off my to my own class
for the little intro before bringing them down for orientation, too.  
And that went fine (even though like… 12 people didn’t show.  Which is
kind of a lot?  O_o;;;  But whatever.  It was the first day).  The best
part though, was that during orientation, my boss was just absolutely
singing my praises to my class every chance she got, even going so far
as to say that not only am I an awesome teacher and a great colleague,
but that she considered me her personal friend outside of work, too, and
CAN I TELL YOU I ALMOST CRIED???  Because (AGAIN, FUCK YOU, ANXIETY),
in spite of PILES OF EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY, I still wasn’t sure she
thought of me as a friend even though I think of her as one?  So that
was really, really nice to hear.  ^_^

After that I went straight
to school and ran into one of my cohort-mates who ALSO glommed onto me
and wouldn’t let go for like 5 minutes and I just… I DON’T
UNDERSTAND.  Like… everyone in my cohort was happy to see me and some
of them were VERY happy to see me and not subtle about showing it and I
honestly have spent most of the past year and a half wondering if any of
them actually even LIKE me?  What is WRONG with me?  UGH.  I know.  I
know.  It’s all my anxiety speaking, but between my boss and my
cohort-mates and my professor today just left me feeling really, really
shaken?  Because objectively, IT IS SO OBVIOUS THAT THEY ALL LIKE ME AND
WANT TO SUPPORT ME AND WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE SEEING THAT???

So,
basically… I think that’s something to hang onto to remember to talk
to my therapist about when she’s back from vacation.  -.-;;;

On
the upside, anxiety aside, today was a pretty good day.  And it helped A
LOT to get back into a routine.  I LIKE routines.  Routines are good.  
Routines get me out of my fucking head and ease my anxiety.  I need to
try to remember that more often.  😛

Anyway, hopefully the rest of you have been well?