whenever i’m talking to someone and they tell me about something that happened to them i always tell them about something that happened to me that’s similar to what happened to them. i do it as kind of a “oh hey yeah this happened to me so i can relate to what you’re going through” but i’m always afraid it comes out as “oh yeah well this happened to me so clearly i have it tougher than you” or “i’m done talking about you let’s talk about me”
i swear i don’t mean it like that……..
I run into this a lot with my job – so instead of telling the whole story I say something like, “Oh my gosh, I had something REALLY similar happen. What did you do after that??” And I’ve found that works. Usually they explain and then ask, “So what happened to you?” And then you’re invited to share, and the formula for conversing continues on. 🙂
of all the tumblr posts i’ve read, this one is going to change my life the fastest lol.
Thanks to both the OP for posting a thing that so many of us do, and the responder who gave us a better way to do it. You’re doing the lord’s work, my friend!
Fun fact: there isn’t anything wrong with you if you do what OP is describing.
Deborah Tannen’s work focuses on different conversational styles — the sets of behavioral norms and expectations that we bring with us to conversations. In one of her earlier articles, she describes two conflicting conversational styles that exist in the US.
One, which she (perhaps inaccurately) dubs “New York Jewish conversational style,” is based on the principle of building camaraderie with one’s interlocutor. The other, which she doesn’t really name but which we could call “mainstream American conversational style,” is based on the principle of not imposing on one’s interlocutor.
Each conversational style has its own behavioral norms. Mainstream American conversational style involves things like asking your interlocutor questions about him/herself and waiting until your interlocutor is clearly finished speaking until you say something. These demonstrate a focus on one’s interlocutor and a clear resistance to imposing. NYJ conversational style involves things like conversational overlaps — speaking at the same time as one’s interlocutor — and “swapping stories.” These demonstrate a high level of engagement with one’s interlocutor. Conversationalists using the mainstream American style make space for each other; conversationalists using the New York Jewish style carve out their own space.
Each of these conversational styles works well when the two people conversing have the same style. Imagine two friends meeting for drinks after work:
“Oh, hello! How was your trip here?”
“Oh, it was awful. There was so much traffic on the turnpike.”
“I know. How was your trip?”
“Well, there was an accident on the bridge.”
“Oh no! Was there a big backup?”
“Yeah, pretty big.”
“Hey! Ugh, sorry I’m late, there was so much traffic on the turnpike—”
“Oh my god, I know, there was an accident on the bridge and the cars were backed up a MILE—”
“That is the worst, I remember one time I sat in traffic for an HOUR waiting to get through that toll, they really should—”
“Add more EZ-pass lanes, right?”
“Add more lanes, yeah, exactly.”
Both of these conversations worked: the participants feel that they’ve had their say and that they’ve been understood. They feel connected to their interlocutor.
But when people with conflicting conversational styles converse, that’s where things go wrong. Because we interpret other people’s contributions according to our own conversational style. So the person with mainstream American conversational style comes away thinking “Why did they keep interrupting me? Why didn’t they ask me any questions about me? Why were they so loud and emotional?” And the person with the New York Jewish conversational style comes away thinking “Why were they so disengaged? They didn’t seem involved in the conversation at all. They didn’t even offer any personal information.”
Rather, they would come away thinking that, except that we’re taught growing up that the first example conversation up there is what conversations should look like. So the person with the New York Jewish conversational style actually comes away from the conversation thinking “oh my god, what was I doing? I kept talking about myself. I think I kept interrupting them. I am so rude, god, I’m the worst.” When in fact: a) it’s about cultural difference, not individual moral qualities; and b) one conversational style isn’t inherently “better” than another.
Which isn’t to say that we shouldn’t attempt to bridge the gap between conversational styles, as suggested above. But we should be aware that:
TL;DR: Cultural difference is often mistaken for individual moral failings.
This is actually one of the most interesting things I’ve ever read
Bit of a correction, not the world’s oldest library but the world’s oldest university’s library.
The University of Al-Quaraouiyine was founded in 859 by a Muslim woman named Fatima al-Fihri and since it’s founding it has hosted scholars of different subjects from all parts of the world. However, in the 21st century the library had greatly decayed so an architect named Aziza Chaouni was commissioned to help restore it. Chaouni agreed immediately because she did not want a historical site to fall into ruin. And now she has completed her task 🙂
“Chaouni made sure to use as authentic as possible materials in fixing the site, and what she couldn’t repair, she simply recreated. In addition, she took special care to make sure that the library is actually usable to researchers and scholars as well, adding new furniture and solar panels for sustainable power.”
i tend to keep my screaming in the tags and indeed i have ADDITIONAL screaming in the tags but ahh hh h h h hyou guys this is one of my favorite, favorite historical institutions– first university, also: Maimonides studied here. Ibn Khaldun studied here. Leo Africanus studied here. It is unspeakably distinguished.
(The library isn’t as old as the university– it’s from the 14th century, actually! But it is still very ancient and contains an incredible collection.)
It’s in Fez. I am so incredibly jealous of Fez.
Star Trek: Classic Fanzine Fics and Much Much More
Orion Press Orion has been around since the late seventies publishing everything from fiction, interviews, lost crips, fanart and so much more.
Scotpress A UK fanzine started in the mid seventies and has gone through a few incarnations but this website is an archive of fics from all three zines.
TrekTales A site deticated to collecting fanfiction from classic fanzines. As well as housing fics from a more recent time period.
Gloria’s Fanfiction Started writing trek fic in the 1980′s. Her Kirk and Spock fics are amazing. They’re friendship/brotherhood but can be read as slash.
A Trekkies Tale Where the term Mary Sue came from. A parody work.
KS Commentary on TOS Funny review of various episodes with K/S goggles on. Enjoyable even for those who don’t subscribe to that pairing.
Ad Astra Founded in 2009 and houses almost 2000 star trek tales.
Djiin’s Lair Started in 2004, has a wide range of different fics with pairings and gen.
K/S Archive Self explanatory. The grand daddies of Slash Fiction. Houses more than 8000 K/S fics.
Ster J’s Fics Mostly slash but some gems in there too.
Nesabj Their site is down but some fics are now on FF
Great Trek Novel Recs
You can find lots at your local second hand bookstore or just borrow them from the library! But if you like star trek books, read them!
• Any/All of the Movie Novels. Especially the Motion Picture which is by Roddenberry himself and I quite liked the one from the Voyage Home. You get to learn a bit more of the character’s inner lives post Khan.
• Collision Course. Yes it’s by Shatner, yes you should read it. Come on, teenage Kirk and Spock? Space Detective times? And wtf is going on with Sarek?
• Sand and Stars By Diane Duane. It’s two books in one but two books you should definitely read, especially if you like Vulcan and Spock.
• Mind Shadow and Black Fire Both Spock centric but very good.
• The First Adventure There was a discussion about this recently on tumblr. A novel where Spock rides a flying horse. Also features a monkey in a starfleet uniform and cat people. Its set during, well the Enterprise’s first adventure. Kirk has to escort a circus trope across the Stars. Features most if not all of the classic crew members. And we learn a bit more about those we don’t see often.
• Uhura’s Song An Uhura centric novel with some of the most amazing world building I’ve read. One of the character’s is a bit Mary Sueish but it works, especially in the end.
• Anything by Vonda N Mcintyre
• The Log Entries There are about 10 in the series and the are adaptions on animated episodes. By Alan Dean Foster.
• Essentials Stories anyone and everyone should read: (x)
There is so much more but many sites are now down. I found most of these back in days when I first got into the fandom and searched them out for you guys to enjoy. And enjoy them while you can, many might not be around for much longer.
Mark Hamill and Bob Anderson – Return of the Jedi outtakes and alternate takes (1982)
(It’s my first story to ever be translated into another language and I’ve just been sitting here squeaking and kicking my feet over it. XD …even though it apparently happened months ago and I just found out but oops. ^_^ BETTER LATE THAN NEVER, RIGHT?)
After 16 years of service, the 44-year-old journalist, Jonathan Clynch, asked that he now be referred to as Jonathan Rachel Clynch by RTÉ.
The term, gender fluid, means that Clynch sometimes identifies as male and sometimes as female.
The national broadcaster released this statement:
“[We], both as an employer and broadcaster, value the uniqueness of individuals and encourage diversity and equality.
“We are 100% supportive of Jonathan Rachel who is a valued member of staff and a highly respected journalist.”
On Twitter the Irish public have also been showing support for Clynch and RTÉ.
The source continued, “The reaction has been hugely positive so far and if his situation serves as a talking point and a way to educate people then it’s a good thing.
According to GenderDiversity.org “Gender fluidity conveys a wider, more flexible range of gender expression, with interests and behaviors that may even change from day to day. Gender fluid people do not feel confined by restrictive boundaries of stereotypical expectations of women and men.
“For some people, gender fluidity extends beyond behavior and interests, and actually serves to specifically define their gender identity. In other words, a person may feel they are more female on some days and more male on others, or possibly feel that neither term describes them accurately. Their identity is seen as being gender fluid.”
Read the full piece here
GO JONATHAN RACHEL!