there’s all these aus about vader finding luke and smuggling him away to the empire in a clever moment of mental clarity, but please consider this crack au: after being faced with slavery, his mother’s death, tusken raiders, sand, obi-wan kenobi, seeing the larses, and tatooine in general, vader lays eyes on toddler luke skywalker – his son, which meant palpatine lied, holy fuck i’m a father, oh god padme i’m so sorry – and flips.
this is the straw that breaks the semi-rational sith lord’s back. in true anakin skywalker fashion, vader panics, scoops his son into his arms, charges into mos espa and turns it upside down, steals a shuttle from his own fleet, slams random hyperspace coordinates, and is thrown into space with no real idea where he’s going or when he’s going to get there. with a toddler.
to make things more interesting, obi-wan snuck aboard the ship, but dropped his lightsaber in the ruckus of sneaking into imperial ranks. and poor, poor firmus piett, a lowly officer who just so happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, runs smack into him.
and they’re all stuck on a ship, indefinitely. with a toddler.
sweet baby jesus i love this idea
just vader, picking up toddler luke under his arm like a football, and RUNNING LIKE FUCKING HELL
[darth vader voice] I HAVE YOU NOW
*toddler Luke SCREAMING the whole time*
obiwan just having a nervous breakdown “what what why are you doing this you’re evil but but what what is this someone shut that child up”
i love that people are contributing this is AMAZING
vader hefts the child into his arms – YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM – and literally turns away from everyone else like a kid with a new mcdonald’s toy. you can’t have him, YOU CAN’T EVEN LOOK AT HIM. luke quiets down because he’s up so high and he can see EVERYTHING and it’s fascinating. luke’s an easily impressed kid, after all. (and there are vents up here that he can nearly reach to crawl through!)
obi-wan: you can’t take luke from me, darth. vader, probably: LIKE YOU TOOK MY LIMBS???? HUH OBI-WAN????? HUH?????
What if at one point Obi-wan and Vader get all huffy and refuse to speak to each other and Piett has to act as the go between.
vader: tell that washed up old man that i know exactly what i’m doing
piett: …
piett: yes, lord vader
piett: excuse me, master jedi, but lord vader has everything under control
obi-wan: [huffs] That walking disaster hasn’t had anything under control since he was nine, and you can tell him i said that. In fact, i insist
piett: [looks into the camera like on the office]
oh god i have to write this now. you’ve convinced me, I AM SOLD. THERE IS ALMOST NOTHING BETTER THAN THIS IMAGE.
imagine it gets to the point where vader and obi-wan are screaming at each other with piett stuck in the middle, and luke, his attention torn away from the pretty lights on vader’s chest, clambers up and pats vader right over the respirator. “stop,” luke, a 2 year old, orders, patting sith lord darth vader gently on the face. “is mean,” announces luke.
vader re-settles luke in his arms. “say sowwy,” luke demands. vader, reluctantly, apologizes. he’s not taken with this child at all, obviously he’s just trying to earn luke’s respect, clearly. duh.
luke clambers off vader and toddles to piett to give him the biggest hug. “i sowwy,” says luke, solemnly. piett is about to faint. first lord vader, now the lordling? this is Too Much. vader’s probably giving piett the most terrifying death glare from behind his mask.
with the blessing of the Great and Powerful Luke Skywalker, piett can DEMAND THESE TWO STOP BEING CHILDREN but quietly, with a lot of respect.
obi-wan, meanwhile: i need a drink. i need a whole liquor bottle
List Of Bullshit Stories Anakin Skywalker Has Told Various People About How He Got His Cool Scar™ Which Is Totally Cool Shut Up Everyone:
fought and killed a sarlacc
fought and killed two sarlaccs
fought and killed three sarlaccs, and a lost but strangely aggressive bantha, while wounded and with a sandstorm raging around him (“wait how did you even find so many of them in one place–” “shut up”)
had to get out of his starfighter while in the middle of an epic battle in order to fix it before it blew up, got hit in the face by debris from the enemy ships he’d destroyed, almost died in the process
had to defend a group of innocent younglings from certain death by two, no, three, no, five murderous criminals armed with knives while he happened to not have his lightsaber on him and had to fight them bare-handed (“how could you not have your lightsaber on you–” “shut up” “–and how did the criminals even get into the Jedi Temple–” “were you there? no? then let me finish”)
fought Ventress and totally won, but she just– (Ventress overhears that one and proceeds to laugh hysterically for three hours)
basically there were just so many near-death experiences
and incredible fights
and astonishing shows of strength and skill
and epic chase scenes across half the galaxy
and daring, gracefully carried-out plans
also: [stares off into the distance with a wistful expression] “sand”
I need Han to accidentally be force strong, mostly because HE WOULD HATE THAT SO MUCH
“Wow so you’re basically a self-taught Jedi”
“WHAT–ARE YOU–I’M THE BEST PILOT IN–”
“That’s force shit”
“I’M AN EXCELLENT SHOT”
“Yeah, because of the force”
“I’M INCREDIBLY PERSUASIVE”
“That’s the force making people believe your terrible lies against all reason ”
“I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL”
au where kylo ren actually agrees to come with han solo and everyone just has a really tense and awkward trip home on the millennium falcon for the rest of the film
“Hello. My name is Luke Skywalker. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
“Never go up against a Mandalorian when death is on the line!” *immediately falls into Sarlacc pit*
“Bye, boys! Have fun storming the Death Star!”
“Wampas Of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist.”
“Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed, on Hoth?”
“It just so happens that Obi-Wan here is only mostly dead.”
“Give us the access code.” “What access code?” “Chewie, tear his arms off.” “Ohhh you mean this access code!”
“I could give you my word as a Corellian…” “No good. I’ve known too many Corellians”
“Why can’t I see?” “You’ve been mostly-frozen all day.”
That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying “I know”, what he meant was, “I love you.”
“Why do you wear that black mask? Were you burned on Mustafar, or something like that?” “Oh no, it’s just that they’re terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.”
“Luke doesn’t get eaten by the rancor at this time. ”What?” “The rancor doesn’t get him. I’m explaining to you because you look nervous.”
“The Fowce is what bwings us togevver today. It suwwounds us, and penetwates us. It binds the gawaxy togevver.”
imagine the Jedi finding like, holonet fansites about them.
People who freak out and take pictures whenever they see a jedi
people who have whole worlds of wildly inaccurate headcanons about Jedi and certain Jedi whose pictures of various everyday heroics have become holonet memes
people who make plastoid lightsaber props
in the clone wars, whole fansites and blogs dedicated solely to Kenobi and Skywalker
Obi-Wan finds them and is scandalized
Anakin finds them and has the time of his life – he actual starts his own blog anonymously, which he updates with really good photos and funny, OOC posts about himself and Obi-Wan (((but liek how does he get those photos???/?? like kriff’s sake NO one KNEOWS)))
Master Yoda follows this blog religiously
Literally everyone in the Temple knows about Anakin’s blog except for Obi-Wan
Mace Windu trolls all of the comments section. The kicker? He does so as himself, but no one believes him, everyone thinks he’s a fan that somehow got the username TheRealMaceWindu
Palpatine follows Anakin’s blog, but does not know that it is anakin. He thinks it is some very distractible, annoying fanboy.
When the generals aren’t watching, the clones pick up all the dime store novels based on the Jedi and snigger to themselves in the barracks at the ridiculous sterotypes and misrepresentations – especially when Kenobi is made into a middle-aged heart throb.
Eventually, Anakin grows lax with his anonymity and starts his own blog as himself – it becomes one of the most popular blogs in the republic within a matter of weeks.
He posts a lot about Obi-Wan, only because he knows he will hate it. Obi-Wan’s consistent death glares at the camera have inspired their own meme.
Ahsoka once hacked Anakin’s blog and posted pictures of him making weird faces
Do you think that during those 20 years Obi-Wan lived on Tattoine, he looked at everything he was surrounded by and thought of Anakin? That he saw the sand and remembered that Anakin hated sand? That he looked around and remembered that that was where he had first met Anakin? That he watched the podraces and remembered Anakin’s crazy reckless flying and how much he loved podracing?
Do you think he saw Shmi’s grave and realized that he’d never met Anakin’s mother? Do you think he visited her and talked to her about Anakin? Do you think he recounted all of their adventures to her and how much Anakin had driven him up the wall? Do you think he told her that they were best friends and that he was so happy to have known him and that she had raised a great boy? Do you think he told her about how he had failed Anakin and let him be destroyed by the Dark Side?
Do you think he watched Luke grow up and think that that was how Anakin must have looked like as a baby and then as a young child? And then when Luke got into the ages where Obi-Wan had known Anakin, do you think he’d sometimes have to do a double-take because Luke reminded him so much of Anakin?
Imagine BB-8 rolling up to Rey and Poe like “beep beep beep guess what I just learned” like a small kid and saying “fuck” or something equally as startling for something as cute and important and both Rey and Poe look shocked and Poe’s jaw drops a little and Rey goes “where did you learn that!?” like that’s not something that is supposed to be in a military droid’s basic vernacular and it couldn’t have learned it from humans because most swears don’t compute into droid so it had to be a droid and the proud if scared beeping replies “R2-D2” and the next thing you know both Poe and Rey are running down the base after this ancient droid that’s screaming and beeping frantically like “IT WAS AN ACCIDENT I FUCKING SWEAR”
Luke and Leia dying of laughter in the background.
Force Ghost!Anakin looking sheepish and trying not to laugh too hard because it’s his fault.
“Oh wow. This costs more than I did back when I had a price tag.”
OH MY GOD.
This is so beautiful that I immediately want to use it, but I’m gonna be good because that is called being polite.
(OMG this is beautiful, especially since Obi-Wan is sitting there: “Qui-Gon paid too much; he should have put you back,” completely deadpan, while everyone else just stares in HORROR until Anakin starts laughing.)
((Nope, laughter did not fix, still staring in horror.))
eirenical17 